I need HELP

Can someone please tell me how you pronounce "HELP!!!" in case I need emergency assistance on the way to the PATCO train at 8th & Market? I can't remember if the third exclamation point means you shout versus yell or if it simply denotes 'wave your arms around in a panic.' Thank you.

Let's not get it on...

Boehringer Ingelheim, the pharmaceutical company I am genetically predisposed to mispronounce, recently made the following announcement based on the results of one of their trials in Europe:

"Results from a study published today in the Journal of Sexual Medicine show that a new, easy to use five-question diagnostic tool can significantly reduce the time it takes to diagnose the most common form of female sexual dysfunction (FSD), generalised, acquired Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). Unlike standard diagnostic procedures, which are often time-consuming and require an extensive diagnostic interview by a specially trained clinician, the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener (DSDS) enables clinicians who are not necessarily experts in female sexual dysfunction to diagnose the condition with high accuracy in a few minutes.

Nearly one in 10 women are known to experience low desire marked by distress or interpersonal difficulty - a condition that is medically referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)."

Bowlringer Engelbert said this DSDS screener had an accuracy of 85.5%. Not bad. But I believe I have a screener that is 110% accurate:

1. Does looking at your partner give you the dry heaves rather than butterflies?
2. Has your partner spent the last 14 hours playing Street Fighter IV?
3. Are you sexually attracted to the opposite sex of your current partner?
4. Do you fantasize about what songs you would like played at your funeral while having sex?
5. Is your partner an asshole?

If you answered YES to any or all of these questions you probably have HSDD. If you do have HSDD, do not despair -- dumping your partner, throwing back some whiskey, and downloading a shitload of porn should clear everything up in a day or 2.

The top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time

Need a last-minute gift idea that is completely banal, spineless, and thankless like saying "Season's Greetings" or watching MTV? Well look no further -- I am here to help with the top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time that I thought of right now.

Now before I begin the listing of the list, all items get bonus points if

1. There are more than 2 "clearance/red tag" stickers on it.
2. You discover it on an end cap thrown together with other clearance items.
3. You buy the gift between 7:00pm on Christmas Eve and noon Christmas Day.
4. It is dusty.

So here are your Christmas gift suggestions that can show really just how much this holiday season has sucked out your soul. For you local readers, now is a good time to turn on B101 radio.

5. Cookie mix bag
These so-called treats were a very popular thoughtless gift in the 90's around the same time people started baking for their dogs. Coincidence? I have no idea. Anyway, these thoughtless bags of crap are still around today and can be seen on many middle-manager desks the week of Christmas all around the country.

BONUS:

• It has a miniature wooden spoon tied to the bag with twine
• It has a cookie-cutter in the shape of a snowman tied to the bag with twine

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your neighbor who never invites you to his house parties
• Your cousin's golden retriever
  
  

4. Bath sets
Collections of lotions, soaps, body wash, and never-will-be-used bubble bath are a perennial thoughtless Christmas gift that even works for birthdays, anniversaries, and for any re-gifting purposes. Sets that come in a "caddy" of sorts -- a basket, canvas bag, or metal tray will be highly praised by the receiver for such a "bonus"; however, in reality it will only clutter her linen closet.

BONUS:

• The scent literally renders you unconscious
  
• It's Jean Nate

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• The office cougar
• Your brother's whore

3. Random selections from the $10 gift rack
These precious trinkets can be found at any of the traditional Christmas thoughtlessness meccas: Target, WalMart, Boscovs, and JC Penney's. They usually appear the day after Halloween at the front of the store next to the Christmas lights and the Whitman's Chocolates* displays. Some of these specially priced money suckers include the battery-operated tie-rack, the reading light with pin-hole precision, and the magnetic chess game the size of a coaster.

BONUS:

• It breaks into more than 2 pieces when taken out of the box
• It comes with batteries that were clearly manufactured in the 80s

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your dad
• People who grace their lawns with inflatable Christmas characters surrounding a plastic nativity scene

*2. Whitman's or Russell Stover's chocolates
No doubt about it, these guys make shitty chocolate. This is usually purchased when items number 3, 4, and 5 are sold out or you make your purchase on the way to the recipient's house.

BONUS:

• You actually have the audacity to wrap it in Christmas wrapping paper

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Disowned family members
• Your local hobo

1. Mug filled with hard candy
This is so thoughtless it borders on insulting.

BONUS:

• The handle is chipped
• The mug has "HO HO HO" printed on it
• You buy the mug and candy separately thinking this trite personalization will actually make it thoughtFUL

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• People over the age of 85
• Spinster teachers

So make your list and check it twice....if you think of it.

Merry Christmas! xo

But wait, there's more!

I can't believe it's been over a year since I visited this black hole also known as my blog. I've decided to finally break-up with my on again off again bitch MySpace blog and commit to this Blogger thing since I've finally remembered the password to this Blogger thing.

I just came back from a Christmas party at a bicycle shop in University City. So obviously, I am in no condition to write a new blog that I'm not sure anyone would read but quite certain s/he would puke on. So to tie you over until next time, here's one I wrote at the end of 2007 that outlines 10, yes 10 New Year's Resolutions. Did I make any of them happen? Fuck no, but that's OK since I can just recycle them in a few weeks. Bein' green is bein' lazy!

-----------------------------------------

Look and you and your 1 little pussy New Year's Resolution! Am I the only one's who's got the balls to declare 10?!

1. I will not feed my anger, sadness, tingly sensations, happiness, and latent suspicions with economy packs of Oreo cookies double-stuffed with shame.

2. I will retire the word "douchebag" and bring back "whorebag"

3. I will not allow my workout clothes to become my fat clothes.

4. I will find the girl who sings that asshole song "Bubbly" and tell her to please drink her weight in gin for a week, have sex with a hobo, and then bludgeon him with the iron teddy bear she keeps in her ass so she can write a real song.*

5. I will not insult pop stars anymore because I am a jealous pop tart.

6. I will not clone myself.

7. I will learn to love my freakishly hideous and horrifyingly busted body.

8. I will not play Soduku.

9. I will pray that all children will grow-up in a world without Prairie Home Companion.

10. I will be here when you get back.

*For 2009, I might replace "the girl who sings that asshole song "Bubbly"" with the "Jonas Brothers" or "Jack Johnson"

Still lost, still maladjusted...

1. Is it that time of the day where you can't decide to see how far you can really stick your finger up your ass or finally return the pie plate your 2nd cousin left at your house during your 2003 Memorial Day BBQ?

2. Do you enjoy post-modern literature about urinating all over yourself in public?

3. Are you on the computer right now?

If you answered YES or maybe NO to these questions you are sexy, popular, fabulous, and hopefully gullible enough to click on this link: The Lost Poems of the Socially Maladjusted

Has anyone seen my Dildo?

According to a sign tacked onto a telephone pole in Collingswood, there is a dog named "Dildo" missing. Not "ran away in shame" but "missing"...

CORRECTION: In a blog dated 16 March 2007, I stated I am going to 5 Genesis shows. Since that time show 6 has been added; MSG on 25 September 2007. Lobotomy is scheduled for 13 June 2007. Thank you.

What's up, Planet Earth?

Are you like me and don't have time to read the news because you are too busy eating corn chips and masturbating all day? Or perhaps you don't like newspapers because they don't taste good or you can't watch the news on TV because your dog uses the remote control to time travel with Dr. Demento. Whatever your lame excuse, I can help bring you up to snuff on all that shit that is clogging every communication channel and being shoved down our throats. (That's me being cynical. Isn't it cute?)

--Dom Imus was fired from CBS Radio for making a racist comment about the women's basketball team at Rutgers University. He also looks like Skeletor.

--Chicago beat Los Angeles in the bid for Olympics hosting rights in 2016. After a collective "fuck yeah!" shout-out, Chicago told LA to kiss it. LA retaliated with the classic, "sit on this and rotate."

--An astronaunt named Suni Williams completed the Boston Marathon on a treadmill in outer space in 4 hours and 24 minutes. And I just ate a cookie on Saturn in about 10 seconds.

--There's this guy...I think...named Sanjaya on this show "American Idol" who apparently can't sing but is very good at overshadowing the announcement of Kurt Vonnegut's death.

--WHAT?! WE'RE STILL IN IRAQ?! WTF?!?!

So there you go. Don't you feel smarter now? Help yourself to another corn chip.