The top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time

Need a last-minute gift idea that is completely banal, spineless, and thankless like saying "Season's Greetings" or watching MTV? Well look no further -- I am here to help with the top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time that I thought of right now.

Now before I begin the listing of the list, all items get bonus points if

1. There are more than 2 "clearance/red tag" stickers on it.
2. You discover it on an end cap thrown together with other clearance items.
3. You buy the gift between 7:00pm on Christmas Eve and noon Christmas Day.
4. It is dusty.

So here are your Christmas gift suggestions that can show really just how much this holiday season has sucked out your soul. For you local readers, now is a good time to turn on B101 radio.

5. Cookie mix bag
These so-called treats were a very popular thoughtless gift in the 90's around the same time people started baking for their dogs. Coincidence? I have no idea. Anyway, these thoughtless bags of crap are still around today and can be seen on many middle-manager desks the week of Christmas all around the country.

BONUS:

• It has a miniature wooden spoon tied to the bag with twine
• It has a cookie-cutter in the shape of a snowman tied to the bag with twine

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your neighbor who never invites you to his house parties
• Your cousin's golden retriever
  
  

4. Bath sets
Collections of lotions, soaps, body wash, and never-will-be-used bubble bath are a perennial thoughtless Christmas gift that even works for birthdays, anniversaries, and for any re-gifting purposes. Sets that come in a "caddy" of sorts -- a basket, canvas bag, or metal tray will be highly praised by the receiver for such a "bonus"; however, in reality it will only clutter her linen closet.

BONUS:

• The scent literally renders you unconscious
  
• It's Jean Nate

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• The office cougar
• Your brother's whore

3. Random selections from the $10 gift rack
These precious trinkets can be found at any of the traditional Christmas thoughtlessness meccas: Target, WalMart, Boscovs, and JC Penney's. They usually appear the day after Halloween at the front of the store next to the Christmas lights and the Whitman's Chocolates* displays. Some of these specially priced money suckers include the battery-operated tie-rack, the reading light with pin-hole precision, and the magnetic chess game the size of a coaster.

BONUS:

• It breaks into more than 2 pieces when taken out of the box
• It comes with batteries that were clearly manufactured in the 80s

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your dad
• People who grace their lawns with inflatable Christmas characters surrounding a plastic nativity scene

*2. Whitman's or Russell Stover's chocolates
No doubt about it, these guys make shitty chocolate. This is usually purchased when items number 3, 4, and 5 are sold out or you make your purchase on the way to the recipient's house.

BONUS:

• You actually have the audacity to wrap it in Christmas wrapping paper

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Disowned family members
• Your local hobo

1. Mug filled with hard candy
This is so thoughtless it borders on insulting.

BONUS:

• The handle is chipped
• The mug has "HO HO HO" printed on it
• You buy the mug and candy separately thinking this trite personalization will actually make it thoughtFUL

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• People over the age of 85
• Spinster teachers

So make your list and check it twice....if you think of it.

Merry Christmas! xo

But wait, there's more!

I can't believe it's been over a year since I visited this black hole also known as my blog. I've decided to finally break-up with my on again off again bitch MySpace blog and commit to this Blogger thing since I've finally remembered the password to this Blogger thing.

I just came back from a Christmas party at a bicycle shop in University City. So obviously, I am in no condition to write a new blog that I'm not sure anyone would read but quite certain s/he would puke on. So to tie you over until next time, here's one I wrote at the end of 2007 that outlines 10, yes 10 New Year's Resolutions. Did I make any of them happen? Fuck no, but that's OK since I can just recycle them in a few weeks. Bein' green is bein' lazy!

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Look and you and your 1 little pussy New Year's Resolution! Am I the only one's who's got the balls to declare 10?!

1. I will not feed my anger, sadness, tingly sensations, happiness, and latent suspicions with economy packs of Oreo cookies double-stuffed with shame.

2. I will retire the word "douchebag" and bring back "whorebag"

3. I will not allow my workout clothes to become my fat clothes.

4. I will find the girl who sings that asshole song "Bubbly" and tell her to please drink her weight in gin for a week, have sex with a hobo, and then bludgeon him with the iron teddy bear she keeps in her ass so she can write a real song.*

5. I will not insult pop stars anymore because I am a jealous pop tart.

6. I will not clone myself.

7. I will learn to love my freakishly hideous and horrifyingly busted body.

8. I will not play Soduku.

9. I will pray that all children will grow-up in a world without Prairie Home Companion.

10. I will be here when you get back.

*For 2009, I might replace "the girl who sings that asshole song "Bubbly"" with the "Jonas Brothers" or "Jack Johnson"