Maybe.
The other night, God was either pissing down or crying down rain all over the city of Philadelphia, most likely due to seeing all of the Joe Paterno tributes flooding his Facebook newsfeed.
In a strange coincidence, I live in said Philadelphia which--in another strange coincidence--is one of the oldest cities in America, and I happen to live inside one of the oldest buildings in this city. It was built during the days we were being sodomized (or was it colonized? I always get those 2 words mixed up!) by the British Empire, so all buildings were made out of pheasant bones and trifle.
Pheasant bones are strong, but they don't last forever, so the weakened condition of my shelter combined with the torrent of God piss pouring out of the sky made my bedroom ceiling weep like someone being colonized with a Toad-in-the-Hole.
In fact, piss damage has been increasing in my ceiling since I've moved in and this was the wiz that finally incinerated it. I was devastated, and since I am a woman who lives alone and happened to have ovulated approximately 48 seconds before this leak occurred, I too wept along with my ceiling into the arms of one of my Pillow Pets. I am just one woman against a giant flood of oppressive cloud wee-wee juice from above -- what could I do???
But like the Sodomists of early America, I knew I had to fight back using the resources I had. I had no maize and tobacco crops to shove into the ceiling's gaping crevice, but I did have this:
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| The wings of Freedom! |
My defensive move worked, and I was so proud of myself I celebrated with sweatpants, "Dirty Dancing" and a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. But alas, like at the Battle of Brandywine, when the Hobbits of Britain defeated our Amish Sprites, this was a very heavy flow of abuse and not even the wings of Stayfree® could free me from this raging storm.
So I did what any solider woman living alone in America would do in such a situation -- I put an empty Chinese food takeout container underneath the leak, stuck a tampon in each ear to drown out the drip noise, and went to bed.
I am happy to report that the sky has dried up and I can now go back to using tampons to plug-up mouse holes in the baseboards.
I hope it doesn't rain again for awhile, but if it does I will be ready.
Like some bell says, we must always "proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the single-living inhabitants of shoddy housing thereof."
