10.07.2012

Time for a change

The days are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping leaves brown and gold onto the sidewalks and lawns of Philly, and I am dropping *2* Celexas into a double whiskey. What a wonderful time of year, much better than Summer in my humble opinion. So, hello there Autumn and fuck you Summer, you can go migrate up my ass and eat my bile you fucking steampile of rotten vomit juice.

I love many things about this time of year, especially as it signals the beginning of beard season and the end of swoob season. I love the sharp sun during the day, the smell of burnt offerings coming from the fireplaces of pyromaniac Tony Banks worshippers at night, and the fact that all children are being held captive in education-like camps for the next 10 months.  

BUT there is one thing that I really do not love so much about Autumning and that is shapeshifting into a grizzly bear.

See, the combination of my falling serotonin levels with the Earth spinning out of control around our 4 suns triggers this sac of neurons in my ass's brain that makes me to morph into a grizzly. It's really that simple. 

And I know what you are thinking -- that is awesome, I wish I could be more like Beorn! But sadly, I am not awesome like Beorn and my futon doesn't turn into The Carrock, and I don't jam my fists up orc asshole everyday. I know, how fucking lame.

Instead, I look like this.

Shhhh...I'm having a lovely dream about eating the insides of a New Jersey Diner
















The transformation follows the same pattern every year:

1. Meld long-sleeved shirt onto skin.
2. Eat 3 bags microwaved pop-corn while watching Shawshank Redemption for the billionth time on TNT.
3. Drink hot cocoa out of a mug the size of a fishbowl.
4. Growl at football.
5. Order takeout that could feed a family of 4 and consume it in under 15 minutes.
6. Add a hoodie that is 4x too big to keep only the smallest amount of self-esteem intact. 
7. Swallow every form of carbohydrate in the apartment.
8. Apply yoga pants that will not even be considered for any exercise until January 1 at the earliest.
9. Sleep. Then sleep some more.
10. Hide under blankets stained with carbohydrates.
11. Repeat step 5, 7, 9  and 10 about 15 times a day.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot buttery date with Mr. Andy Dufresne.

It's all a little bit mostly true sometimes but not really.