Hold Please.

I know many of you have started to panic because I haven't posted anything in awhile, and I also know that is a lie. But I have been quiet lately, as I've become absorbed in another writing project which requires all 6 pairs of hands on my typewriter that looks like a laptop. Anyway, I hate to leave you hangin' more than you do, so here's a blog I just regurgitated from the bowels of my crusty archives. It's one of my worst ever. ENJOY!

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Dear Friends,

There are only 5 things I fear:

1. Snakes
2. Nutcracker dolls
3. Axe murderers
4. Developing a peanut allergy
5. Dying from a rare diabolical disease that is disguised as a cold

I am currently living in the midst of fear number 5. Now as some of you may already know, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, or as my dad started calling me in 1988 when I organized my own funeral after I drank some expired milk, his "little fruitcake." So when I get sick, I become obsessed with finding out what is going to kill me this time and wondering who will come visit my grave. This year so far I've had endometriosis, melanoma, tapeworm, deep vein thrombosis, and dry mouth.

But last week I developed another life-threatening illness that has this fruity nut girl quite confounded. It started out as a fever and sore throat (spinal meningitis), then my joints were sore (lupus), then my head was clogged and nose was stuffy (infected with vicious migrant ants from Arizona), then I had fluid in my lungs and chest pain (pulmonary fibrosis), and now I'm in the coughing/sinus headache/upset stomach/Roy Orbison syndrome/fatigue phase (hibernation sickness)--only I have no princess and wookie to nurse me back to health. I'm left with green tea, pseudophedrine, prescription ibuprofen, and whining.

So what's going to be on my death certificate? My mom says I have bronchitis. My co-worker says lyme disease. My sister says it's just a cold. My brother says I should stop shooting snot rockets at him. WebMD tells me I have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and that Roy Orbison may have impregnated me with a globule containing 5 generations of vicious migrant ants from Arizona. Damnit, Orbison, this is NOT how I want to go! Well I guess I'll see him and the rest of his Arizona ants in hell soon enough.

It was nice knowing you all. Please be sure to try the hummus platter at my funeral reception--I'm having it special ordered.

Take care now,

The Late Lady Stabson

Finally, a way to cover my feet AND remember my name!

Today is the first day of wearing the coolest fucking shoes EVER. Cool as fuck cos I designed them myself (obviously) and stole the idea to do so from someone MUCH cooler than me (obviously). His name is Jim and he plays guitar in Tinyfish who are totally HOT. But anyway, look at me awesome ogre feets!! 

Sorry if you happen to glance at my leperous ankles; I think the blade on

the potato peeler I use to shave my legs is getting dull.




















I'm still trying to figure out how to do the laces the double-tongue action going on here, and this is what I came up with after lovingly throwing the shoes across the room about 5 times.

I love, Love, LOVE them, but they are definitely not as cool as my "Box of Glass" designer shoes by Christian Renoir:



Go here to make your own Lady Stabson shoes in your very own size and name! http://www.converse.com/#/landing/create





How It's Done

Many of you already know that I was sent to your planet to primarily fight mutant killer bees from outer space (have you ever seen one? YOU'RE WELCOME!) But were you also aware of the fact that I know how to do almost anything?? The last 2 things on my list to learn are how to write a blog that doesn't have a vomit aftertaste and how to fold a fitted bed sheet.

But until I figure that out, I would like to share with you how to do everything else in the world because I care. Or maybe because I have nothing better to do.

However, with that being said, I would rather have nothing to do than dictate HOW TO DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR 2 THINGS to my minotaur slave who types up all my blogs, so I will just share a few with you now. But if you want to know how to do something that I haven't covered here, please leave a comment with your question, preferably in English and preferably with Phillies tickets attached.

My more devoted readers (ie, the ones that don't exist) may recall that I have already shared with you how to tell if you do not like to have sex with your sex partner and how to buy last minute Christmas gifts. I am sure you have them printed out for easy reference or as back-up toilet tissue.

But did you also know...

How to eat an Oreo without any teeth?

1. Gather about 15 - 20 pebbles or small jagged rocks. 
2. Apply Krazy Glue to your gums.
3. Apply stones. 
4. Eat Oreo.

How to flirt with a woman?

1. DO make eye contact. If she does not have eyes, proceed with fondling her genitals.
2. DO buy her a drink. If you are out of roofies, she doesn't have to know!
3. DON'T kiss another man in front of her.
4. DON'T wear socks with sandals.

How to let your friends know that you have been taken hostage but can only do so via text message because your mouth has been taped shut?

1. :-X

How a progressive rock band from outside North America should tour there? 

 

1. Just take the same advice I gave Marillion in 1995 -- these are the only American cities that can guarantee a full venue with fans who can handle soaring 12 minute instrumental solos and 4 song sets that have >10 costume changes. Although you can substitute Milwaukee for Grand Rapids in an emergency. YOU'RE WELCOME, MARILLION!

How to listen to Japanese Zeuhl?

1. Drink 4 buckets of sake.
2. Remove your ears with common household kitchen shears.

How to kill a plant?

1. Give it to me.

That is all for tonight. If there is anything else you need to know how to do -- I can't imagine what else you could ever need to know now, but if you do -- please let me know. In the meantime, YOU'RE WELCOME.