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| No more monkey lizards for dessert! |
So before my ass started swallowing more than my braies, I decided it was time get in shape. Other than round. Or beached whale.
I signed up for a membership at a gym around the corner from my apartment, and I've even managed to actually show up and workout. When I'm not working out my upper body by throwing 50lb dumbbells at the skinny chicks taking naps on treadmills, I like to take aerobical classes designed for a total body thrashing. The Latin Dance Bear Wrestling class is good, and the Plutonium Pipe Strapped to Your Back Pilates really engages my core. Mostly to vomit itself all over my leotard.
But my FAVORITE class is Inappropriate Talent Show Dancing with Philadelphia's own John Oates. Check us out!
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But exercise is not enough -- I also have to stop eating foods that taste really good. I've tried all the usual diets -- stapling my mouth shut, swallowing a tapeworm before each meal, Slim Fast, eating only goat's blood cabbage soup for 8 weeks....the list of failed attempts to outsmart my fat cells is more massive than my sequoia thunder thighs. So I've decided to create my own diet to try. Feel free to fail on this one too:
- Breakfast: Black coffee while browsing the current issue of Cosmopolitan magazine.
- Lunch: Small salad (no dressing) using the pair of jeans you've been holding onto for over 5 years that you hope you will fit into again as a placemat.
- Dinner: Your own tears.
So hopefully the next time I look in the mirror it won't mind looking back! Even if it's sweaty, hungry, and ready to disembowel a grown man for an ice cream cone version of me.
