5.20.2009

Bless. This.

So on Saturday, I crawl into bed with Nicole and as we drift off to sleep in South Amboy's finest bed, we managed to fit in one last conversation before we succumbed to slumber (which was promptly interrupted by Leslie gnawing at our arms, which we all know is completely unavoidable.)

The discussion was about saying "bless you," or if you are a German or an asshole (not that they are related) "Gesundheit" and how RIDICULOUS it is to say that to ANYONE. If evil spirits are shooting out of my nose, you will fucking KNOW IT. I need your blessings when I have to give someone directions or need to operate a lawnmower, not when I'm in the middle of a snot-blasting sneeze fest. But if you feel compelled to say "bless you" then I won't hold it against you. Let's be honest here: I need all the blessings I can get. I especially appreciate the times someone says "bless you" and then the people around him/her chime in as well, all filled with shame they weren't the first to say it. This is particularly heart-warming at business meetings and lame get-togethers; basically those situations where everyone is uncomfortably staring at each other because everyone hates each other (in a very polite way, of course). And the ultimate "bless you" comes from the guy down the hall who can't see you but knows wherever you are, you need a blessin'. We also declared our disgust in having to say "bless you" to people, and confessed that we only say it because it is EXPECTED of us. I know, I know, I know. We are just as evil as the boogie demon that fired out of your nose and more insensitive than making your best friend watch "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen."

But C'MON, is it really a blessing? How is it that this superstition is still clinging to us? Or is it now more like an unconscious reflex? Who knows; we just think it's a little bit better than saying, "Eeww, use a tissue you sick fuck."

I think eventually people will stop saying "bless you" -- mostly because of this blog -- but also because we will stop caring about each other and wanting to ward of evil demons from each others sinus passages. And that's nothing to sneeze about. (OK, that "joke"? Definitely warrants your blessing on my soul).

5.18.2009

Parle vous an idiot?

Listen up and read this: There are a lot of people prancing around the Earth right now who are not smart but THINK they are. These delusional, yet sweetly ironic, snoot-snooties spend a lot of time ordering 6-worded beverages from Starbucks, listening to NPR, and shopping in the non-fluorescent lit section of Wegmans. They are the ones at work who take cell phone calls in the middle of a meeting, and put some inspirational quote as part of their e-mail signature. On many occasions it will take them 6 paragraphs to say "I don't know" in said e-mail. But above all else, they love to look smart and make sure you see it.

I am not smart, but I am honest about it. Activities like "cooking" and "learning to drive a 5-speed" and "adding a ringtone to my cell phone" have confirmed this for me. But the bright-side to being a dimwit has opened my eyes to many of the things these people --we'll call them "quick-wits" because they'd want us to-- perpetuate in our society to make us feel, well, stoopid. Here are 5 of them:

1. SUDOKU
Sudoku is a so-called game or puzzle that is in reality, a complete farce. It is a giant grid half-populated with numbers and the object of the game is to fill-in the blank squares with different numbers. Quick-wits like to buy giant books filled with these puzzles and pretend that there is logical sequence you must think long and hard about while they sit next to you on the train. But in reality, they are just filling in any ol' number that pops into their head as you hang your head in shame while shuffling through your 80s metal band playlist on your iPod.

2. METRIC SYSTEM
People who use the metric system love to tell you that "it just makes more sense!" In fact, quick-wits feel so superior about understanding the metric system, it deludes them into thinking that knowing it is equivalent to being fluent in another language. In reality, the metric system is also a farce. It was made up by a vagrant Canadian back in 16th century France who told his fat girlfriend she probably only weighed 130 kilograms to make her feel better.

3. SPEAKING FRENCH
They are not saying anything real. Only laughing at your stupid ass inside their heads.

4. THE MATRIX
This movie was smart for perhaps the first 24 hours it was released unto the world, but on April 1, 1999 and every day after that, its timeliness and smartness dramatically decreased. However, the quick-wits still cling very tightly to this movie that was cool and compelling for even a shorter amount of time than Vanilla Ice. I haven't confirmed this yet, but it may have something to do with the cast wearing a lot of black and having to speak very confusing dialogue. The movie is in fact, one big inside-joke between Andy Wachowski and Keanu Reeves's leather trenchcoat.

5. LOST
I have to admit, I have faithfully watched this show from day 1, season 1 to the season finale of season 5 last Wednesday. And I also have to admit the entire 5 years of viewing has made me feel like a straight up tard on the boulevard. After each episode, I feel like a lobotomized baboon. And then I get angry and throw feces, because I can't come up with even a slightly intelligible theory about the storyline like those quick-wit fans do. What is TRULY SMART is the ability of the writers of LOST to write the episodes so trippin' crazy-ass that the quick-wits spend hours and hours confusing each other with smart-sounding nonsensical theories on all kinds of blogs and forums----so when a quick-wit asks me (the dim-wit) what my theory is, I can just refer them a link to some un-ending LOST blog about mythical creatures and time travel and say, "this."

Well that's it for now. Don't you feel smarter? Or perhaps want to kick my dumb ass?

It's all a little bit mostly true sometimes but not really.