Has anyone seen my Dildo?

According to a sign tacked onto a telephone pole in Collingswood, there is a dog named "Dildo" missing. Not "ran away in shame" but "missing"...

CORRECTION: In a blog dated 16 March 2007, I stated I am going to 5 Genesis shows. Since that time show 6 has been added; MSG on 25 September 2007. Lobotomy is scheduled for 13 June 2007. Thank you.

What's up, Planet Earth?

Are you like me and don't have time to read the news because you are too busy eating corn chips and masturbating all day? Or perhaps you don't like newspapers because they don't taste good or you can't watch the news on TV because your dog uses the remote control to time travel with Dr. Demento. Whatever your lame excuse, I can help bring you up to snuff on all that shit that is clogging every communication channel and being shoved down our throats. (That's me being cynical. Isn't it cute?)

--Dom Imus was fired from CBS Radio for making a racist comment about the women's basketball team at Rutgers University. He also looks like Skeletor.

--Chicago beat Los Angeles in the bid for Olympics hosting rights in 2016. After a collective "fuck yeah!" shout-out, Chicago told LA to kiss it. LA retaliated with the classic, "sit on this and rotate."

--An astronaunt named Suni Williams completed the Boston Marathon on a treadmill in outer space in 4 hours and 24 minutes. And I just ate a cookie on Saturn in about 10 seconds.

--There's this guy...I think...named Sanjaya on this show "American Idol" who apparently can't sing but is very good at overshadowing the announcement of Kurt Vonnegut's death.

--WHAT?! WE'RE STILL IN IRAQ?! WTF?!?!

So there you go. Don't you feel smarter now? Help yourself to another corn chip.

Step 1: Bring Home Best Friend. Step 2: Profit.

This is what happens during the first 2 weeks after your best friend moves home:

1. Make a promise to go running with her then immediately break your toe on the bathroom door---I mean get bitten by a shark (yes, yes that's much cooler)

2. Drink lots of alcohol, then make an artistically political statement in pictures with cheese curls:


3. Chemically straighten each other's hair with a substance that takes a chisle and blowtorch to remove from your kitchen floor.

4. Watch a movie called Reign Over Me, trying not to suffocate on all the Oscar clips and Bruce Springsteen songs (...OK, and choke on your tears. Yeah, I really DO have a heart OK, so shut the fuck up already).

5. Swoon when she shouts to a stranger, "That's not a parking spot you dickhole!!" on a beautiful and sunny Tuesday afternoon.

6. Drink more alcohol.

These are just the highlights. We've also ridden in a car, eaten at some restaurants, and over the weekend met our future selves at the Circle-K together as well. I can't wait to see what's in store for us next! I'm sure it will have something to do with drinking more alcohol and plotting "Operation Bring Home Boyfriend And Morbidly But Wonderfully Obese Cat" in our secret lair (the PATCO train)...

Welcome home, N. I am so happy you are here. xo