Why Spring Hates Your Guts Right Now

It's finally Spring here in beautiful Philadelphia -- the weather is warm, the sun is shining and I am FUCKING MISERABLE. 

This beginning of Spring is like a $7.99 All-You-Can-Eat seafood dinner from a restaurant in Tulsa, OK that Mother Nature ate on a Saturday night after binging on moonshine from a homeless man's boot. It is a pool of sick that gets sprayed all over everything which I am forced to inhale and then hork back up again in the form of lime-green phlegm bombs.

Usually this attack only lasts for a few days, and I can easily medicate my way through it before the weekend. But this year Mother Nature's hot vomit slurry has gone deep into my breathing tubes and for almost 2 weeks now I've done nothing but lie around in my own lazy filth, but THIS TIME it's more difficult to breathe and more painful to verbally complain about it all.

Being in this unusually prolonged New England vortex of snot prompted me to find out exactly why this year has been different than others, and I learned there are 3 main reasons and, surprisingly, none of them seem to be my fault: 

1. Spring took its fucking time getting here: this past winter was very cold and very wet, like a penguin prom queen. This delay in warmer weather caused a delay in the release of pollen from some types of trees that would typically perform their spooging rituals much earlier in the season. So what we have right now is every damn boy tree you can imagine encircling us in an epic pollen circle-jerk. 

2. Your town is one big flora sausage party: According to weather.com, "when it comes to planning parks and greenspaces, many cities opt for male trees over female trees since they create less mess -- female trees produce seeds that often fall to the ground, making cleaning the sidewalks and grassy areas a pain. Whereas male trees don't, instead they produce pollen." THIS IS THE MOST SEXIST THING I HAVE READ TODAY.

3. That global warming phenomenon that is caused by the same people who deny its existence and seems to be RUINING EVERYTHING: According to many scientists who appear to be smarter than me, the increased prevalence of warmer climates and carbon-dioxide in the atmosphere are causing higher concentrations of pollen explosions everywhere. So warmer weather + more Co2 = dirty tree porn. Also, not only is the weather generally warmer this Spring, recently there have been ridiculous fluctuations in temperature within just a 24-hour period which causes human immune systems to spin out of control and therefore express more severe allergic reactions to the aforementioned tree facials.  

This explanation for why this is happening to me satisfies my need to blame something or someone for all my problems, but it doesn't actually make me feel any better. I've been trying all kinds of medication cocktails and I think I've finally got the right combination: 

I hope you are not suffering like I am, but if you are, let me know how you are getting through this and if you are interested in helping me build a hermetically sealed cave to live in next Spring. Or maybe I'll just walk around in a giant condom suit lubricated with antihistamines.