Salute to Gettysburg, PA!

Sometimes I have the privilege of leaving Philadelphia to visit other places that are not Philadelphia. I had such an opportunity last weekend and of all the other places in the world that are not Philadelphia, I decided to see Gettysburg, PA.

Gettysburg is a wonderful town with the country's highest population of psychics and ghosts with its major exports being rusty shackles and dented tins full of bullets (for ghost hunting purposes only). Gettysburg is also birthplace of "Bagelry,"a method of bagel-making invented during the Civil War by Sgt. Other on Little Round Top with a musket barrel and some dough shrapnel. The now world famous "other bagel" is aptly named after him.

Gettysburgians love their bagels, and as many of you know, eating is one of their favorite pastimes. However, what you may not know, is that they are one of the few remaining pockets of American civilization that still eat garbage. Although the tradition of eating trash is starting to wane with the younger generation, many of the inhabitants--particularly those who still wear knickers in the bath and hunt ghosts--will partake in garbage grazing from time to time in honor of Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address" where he appealed to a torn nation, "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal and it is their destiny to eat garbage."


However, a recent uprise from an elite and fast-growing anti-garbage militia have taken to the streets with a campaign to put an end to the garbage noshing. The town's psychics are predicting this is the start of Civil War II.

Anti-garbage militia vandalism

According to our ghost tour guide, if Civil War II does break out and you happen to be in Gettysburg at the time, it is critical that you are NOT anywhere near a brick wall within city limits. As you know, brick walls are usually made of bricks and wall paste. But in Gettysburg, the brick walls are made of bricks and pure malice, which is stronger and filled with more harrowing doom than typical wall paste. The psychics in town predict that a war will really piss them off, even more so then when you park your car too close to them.

One afternoon I decided to take a break from taking in all this COMPLETELY TRUE wonderment of Gettysburg and do some shopping. I went into their only major department store, 7-11, and after about 2 seconds decided to go punch and taunt a brick wall.

When I heard the wall hissing loudly in 21/8 time, I knew it was time to go back to Philadelphia. I was sad to leave, but I will definitely be back next year. A psychic told me so.

My Body is a Busted Wonderland Electric!

So on Friday I went for my annual check-up with the hoo ha doctor (known as Doctor Who Ha in the UK) and I am happy to report that technically I am still a woman. The exam was just bidniz as usual until, while the Doc was elbow-deep in my lady bits, I noticed her screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and vomiting into a hazardous waste receptacle.

This has happened before, so I didn't pay much attention, but the doctor seemed concerned by the way she was shaking violently and turning green. She said to me, "Excuse me for a moment, Freak of Nature, I need to go get the ultrasound machine."

The ultrasound machine is ultracool. It takes pictures of your insides and shows you how horrifyingly strange our bodies are. I always enjoy this part of doctor and airport visits.

Before the hoo ha doctor performed the ultrasound, she showed me a picture of a "normal" female reproductive system on her overhead projector:








And then this is the picture of my girl junk that spat out of the machine:




No reproductive activity will be taking place in here, methinks. 

After the Doc uploaded the picture to Facebook and tagged me, she said that she was most fascinated by my rusted ovaries, which was caused by my purchase of Marillion's Script for a Jester's Tear the EXACT moment I began puberty. My poor ovaries have been sobbing ever since I first heard the title track.

Awesome album, but not recommended for girls between 
the ages of 10 - 17 

I was also surprised to learn that this condition occurs in only 1 in 6,918,654,257 persons. I am special!! After close examination and consulting her copy of How to Erase Your Memory, 4th edition, the doctor reassured me I was fine and recommended I douche with Canada Dry Tonic Water at least once a week.


After my visit with the hoo ha doctor I was curious to see what other parts of my body looked like, so I went on eBay and bid and won an ultrasound machine of my very own! Unfortunately I was outbid on the Instagram model, but did eventually score a Pee-Wee's Playhouse Magic Screen Ultrasound Home Kit!!




Chairry x-ray machine sold separately.

Once I said the word of the day to turn it on, I applied the special Ghostbusters Slimer Ectocooler lubricating gel and started snapping shots of my naked innards. Here are 2 that came out -- 1 of my digestive system, and 1 of my only brain. I really wanted to get a shot of my cyborg control panel but I couldn't get the damn lighting right.

So here is a very talented artist's rendition of the human digestive system:









...And I say "very talented" because my own gizzards look EXACTLY THE SAME except for 1 minor detail that doesn't surprise me in the least:







According to WebMD, Nick Swisher has been known
to cause explosive diarrhea in some people

The ultrasound of my brain is quite curious, mostly because my single brain is located behind my LEFT KNEE and NOT MY HEAD! THIS IS TRUE! I guess it slipped down there after all these years of head bopping to long progressive rock instrumentals.


Regular brain ultrasound, found inside a human skull:







And here is the ultrasound of my brain which I painstakingly photoshopped on top of an ultrasound of my head cavity. Sorry about the red-eye -- I can never take a picture without looking like some demon witch and the red-eye reduction feature on my Magic Screen was busted like Pee-Wee in a porn theater.







Isn't biology neat?! I hope you found this educational and not in the least bit like 5 minutes of your life you'll never get back... Next week I'll be back to let you know how my appointment with the dermatologist goes -- should be exciting as I'm due for a good molt.

Sorry Your Plan to Turn Your Kids Into The Legion of Super-Heroes Didn't Work Out

Don't you just hate it when a perfectly good plan turns out to be a flaming pile of radioactive elephant snot?  Especially if your plan was to turn all of the world's children into radioactive, crime-fighting ogres (even larger than elephants and slipperier than their snot) that have super-powers in order to stop the violent uprising of hobos and hippies.


Well the United States, and I'm sure many other industrialized nations out there (if there are any of note besides the US), had such a plan. You see starting back in the 1940s--aka the "Tupperwarezoa Era"--government, businesses and anti-hobo militias all over America began mass producing piles of useless crap like home appliances, cars, The Devil's national chain of power plant emporiums, Nalgene bottles, toxic waste dump daycare centers, SUVs that eat hippies and rainforest tears for fuel, and the always popular "Sweet-n-Low and Twinkie" TV dinners. All of course with a coating of cherry-flavored lead paint and Berry Blast Bisphenol A aka BPA aka the stuff that turns your gonads into curdled lumps of jelly. These things were made from all kinds of awesome chemicals that we can't pronounce and created while stoned out of our fucking minds. These so-called innovations in high techniness made civilized adults could look really smart, and the way they just let these bad-ass chemicals just leak, seep, and steep into the environment just made them so fucking cool! C'mon, isn't confident indifference the sexiest thing EVER? Seriously, they were like, "dude, like if any of this wicked shit we just made is bad for us, it's just going to disappear into the sky and if some of it gets in the ground or ocean, who fucking cares? The Earth is pretty fucking big ya know."


In addition to this widely accepted, completely understandable indifference there has also always been a small subset of the population who actually believed that the raping our environment at the expense of common sense could also be a GOOD thing for our civilized civilization. Yes, I'm finally getting back to the super-powered ogre children.


Since the first child crawled into the carburetor of a 1953 Starliner Coupe, scientists have hypothesized that someday, these man-made chemicals would begin to morph human babies into the ultimate human fighting machines that could rid this plant of bothersome life forms such as the aforementioned hippies and hobos, as well as common household communists, garden snakes, rattlesnakes, cobras, anacondas, and Gingko trees. (FFS those trees stink!!)


The plan seemed to be working until recently a bunch of uppity scientist hobos released a series of reports that said the kids are in fact NOT going to arm wrestle Stalin, but they are sick and will grow up hating you for driving 500 miles to go hiking for 2 days with a Nalgene bottle.


According to several studies published in the journal Health Affairs, "even minute exposures to toxic chemicals — at levels that would have no impact on an adults — can harm children, leading to diseases like asthma, mental retardation, and possibly cancer." WHAT?! The chemicals don't just evaporate or make our developing kids more menacing to crotalids? Fucking hellballs.


Wait it gets better. Apparently our attempts to sneak out over 60 years of deadly air biscuits when no one is looking and to chemically enhance our kids is also costing us a lot of coin. In the US in 2008, 

• Lead poisoning cost $50.9 billion.
• Autism cost $7.9 billion.
• Intellectual disability cost $5.4 billion.
• Exposure to mercury (methyl mercury) cost $5.1 billion.
• Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder cost $5.0 billion.
• Asthma cost $2.2 billion.
• Childhood cancer cost $95.0 million.

That's a lot of fucking money and a lot of really sick kids. For fucking fuck's sake, they have to grow up listening to Justin Bieber* AND put up with this shit?! I really feel sorry for the little fuckers and all the parents out there buying $15 jugs of organic milk and juice from magical golden oranges in vain attempts to clean out their insides.

Seriously friends and hippies, this really sucks and blows. I can't believe how much we diss our own planet sometimes. Anyway, here's more information about these seriously hideous environmental issues, probably without all the f-bombs (from http://phpartners.org/cehir/index.html):

Center for Children's Health and the Environment (CCHE) - (Mount Sinai School of Medicine (MSSM))  - The Center for Children's Health and the Environment's mission is to promote the health of children by conducting environmental health and policy research. This site contains fact sheets, reports, testimony, and press releases on a variety of children's environmental health issues.

Children's Environmental Health Network (CEHN) - CEHN is a national multidisciplinary project dedicated to protect the fetus and the child from environmental hazards and promote a healthy environment. This site provides an overview of children's environmental health issues, a Training Manual on Pediatric Environmental Health, and a resource guide of related programs, projects and organizations.

Children's Health Protection - (Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) U.S.)  - This site contains information on environmental factors in childhood cancers, developmental and neurological programs, and health effects of pesticides, metals and other hazardous substances. The site also focuses on current EPA activities in these areas on the local, state, federal, and international levels.

So keep your kids away from radioactive ooze as it is no guarantee they will end up being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and join me next week as I explore the healing power of Hostess Snack Cakes. 

*Used for blog SEO purposes only. 

Playing Catch-Up

This past weekend I decided to escape the stressful craziness of my dull life by taunting and shaking my fist at the flowering trees and plants in Rittenhouse Square for heaving their asshole gametes all over my lungs. They did not relent, but I think I made a patch of grass near some shoeless hippies sipping $8 lattes weep a little bit.  

When I returned from my 3-day excursion of trying to stop nature from all this inappropriate spooging, I realized I may have missed some important world news and current events, so naturally I turned to Twitterbook Facetwit to get caught up.

So here is a quick run-down of what I missed in case you were also busying giving sauce to your backyard. As of Monday morning, this was all I saw posted on Twitterbook Facetwit so I couldn't have missed that much!

A human nutcracker doll asks his new bride pull his giant lever so they can feed their wedding guests freshly cracked walnuts at the reception. The little flower girl does not like the ensuing cracking sounds, but that is understandable as she appears to be too young to handle such intense nut busting. 

This poor cat was forced to wear the UGLIEST collar I've ever seen. But I've seen worse-looking scratching posts.  

Wait, what?! Our President is allowed to kill people? FUCK, I  hope he doesn't find out I switched out his birth certificate with a Kate Middleton Engagement Ring Certificate of Authenticity. =/

It's about time Our sexy Lady Liberty got a makeover! She's never looked better. And the bloody head of bin Laden hides some of the weight she's put on in her hips.

So there you go. Just another average weekend it seems....

In all seriousness folks, some people on this crazy beautiful planet did not have an average weekend...so let's continue working together to get them back there:

Help Tornado Victims in the Southern US

Help Victims on the Japan Earthquake

xo