1. Is it that time of the day where you can't decide to see how far you can really stick your finger up your ass or finally return the pie plate your 2nd cousin left at your house during your 2003 Memorial Day BBQ?
2. Do you enjoy post-modern literature about urinating all over yourself in public?
3. Are you on the computer right now?
If you answered YES or maybe NO to these questions you are sexy, popular, fabulous, and hopefully gullible enough to click on this link: The Lost Poems of the Socially Maladjusted
5.29.2007
4.22.2007
Has anyone seen my Dildo?
According to a sign tacked onto a telephone pole in Collingswood, there is a dog named "Dildo" missing. Not "ran away in shame" but "missing"...
CORRECTION: In a blog dated 16 March 2007, I stated I am going to 5 Genesis shows. Since that time show 6 has been added; MSG on 25 September 2007. Lobotomy is scheduled for 13 June 2007. Thank you.
CORRECTION: In a blog dated 16 March 2007, I stated I am going to 5 Genesis shows. Since that time show 6 has been added; MSG on 25 September 2007. Lobotomy is scheduled for 13 June 2007. Thank you.
4.16.2007
What's up, Planet Earth?
Are you like me and don't have time to read the news because you are too busy eating corn chips and masturbating all day? Or perhaps you don't like newspapers because they don't taste good or you can't watch the news on TV because your dog uses the remote control to time travel with Dr. Demento. Whatever your lame excuse, I can help bring you up to snuff on all that shit that is clogging every communication channel and being shoved down our throats. (That's me being cynical. Isn't it cute?)
--Dom Imus was fired from CBS Radio for making a racist comment about the women's basketball team at Rutgers University. He also looks like Skeletor.
--Chicago beat Los Angeles in the bid for Olympics hosting rights in 2016. After a collective "fuck yeah!" shout-out, Chicago told LA to kiss it. LA retaliated with the classic, "sit on this and rotate."
--An astronaunt named Suni Williams completed the Boston Marathon on a treadmill in outer space in 4 hours and 24 minutes. And I just ate a cookie on Saturn in about 10 seconds.
--There's this guy...I think...named Sanjaya on this show "American Idol" who apparently can't sing but is very good at overshadowing the announcement of Kurt Vonnegut's death.
--WHAT?! WE'RE STILL IN IRAQ?! WTF?!?!
So there you go. Don't you feel smarter now? Help yourself to another corn chip.
--Dom Imus was fired from CBS Radio for making a racist comment about the women's basketball team at Rutgers University. He also looks like Skeletor.
--Chicago beat Los Angeles in the bid for Olympics hosting rights in 2016. After a collective "fuck yeah!" shout-out, Chicago told LA to kiss it. LA retaliated with the classic, "sit on this and rotate."
--An astronaunt named Suni Williams completed the Boston Marathon on a treadmill in outer space in 4 hours and 24 minutes. And I just ate a cookie on Saturn in about 10 seconds.
--There's this guy...I think...named Sanjaya on this show "American Idol" who apparently can't sing but is very good at overshadowing the announcement of Kurt Vonnegut's death.
--WHAT?! WE'RE STILL IN IRAQ?! WTF?!?!
So there you go. Don't you feel smarter now? Help yourself to another corn chip.
4.03.2007
Step 1: Bring Home Best Friend. Step 2: Profit.
This is what happens during the first 2 weeks after your best friend moves home:
1. Make a promise to go running with her then immediately break your toe on the bathroom door---I mean get bitten by a shark (yes, yes that's much cooler)
2. Drink lots of alcohol, then make an artistically political statement in pictures with cheese curls:
3. Chemically straighten each other's hair with a substance that takes a chisle and blowtorch to remove from your kitchen floor.
4. Watch a movie called Reign Over Me, trying not to suffocate on all the Oscar clips and Bruce Springsteen songs (...OK, and choke on your tears. Yeah, I really DO have a heart OK, so shut the fuck up already).
5. Swoon when she shouts to a stranger, "That's not a parking spot you dickhole!!" on a beautiful and sunny Tuesday afternoon.
6. Drink more alcohol.
These are just the highlights. We've also ridden in a car, eaten at some restaurants, and over the weekend met our future selves at the Circle-K together as well. I can't wait to see what's in store for us next! I'm sure it will have something to do with drinking more alcohol and plotting "Operation Bring Home Boyfriend And Morbidly But Wonderfully Obese Cat" in our secret lair (the PATCO train)...
Welcome home, N. I am so happy you are here. xo
1. Make a promise to go running with her then immediately break your toe on the bathroom door---I mean get bitten by a shark (yes, yes that's much cooler)
2. Drink lots of alcohol, then make an artistically political statement in pictures with cheese curls:
3. Chemically straighten each other's hair with a substance that takes a chisle and blowtorch to remove from your kitchen floor.
4. Watch a movie called Reign Over Me, trying not to suffocate on all the Oscar clips and Bruce Springsteen songs (...OK, and choke on your tears. Yeah, I really DO have a heart OK, so shut the fuck up already).
5. Swoon when she shouts to a stranger, "That's not a parking spot you dickhole!!" on a beautiful and sunny Tuesday afternoon.
6. Drink more alcohol.
These are just the highlights. We've also ridden in a car, eaten at some restaurants, and over the weekend met our future selves at the Circle-K together as well. I can't wait to see what's in store for us next! I'm sure it will have something to do with drinking more alcohol and plotting "Operation Bring Home Boyfriend And Morbidly But Wonderfully Obese Cat" in our secret lair (the PATCO train)...
Welcome home, N. I am so happy you are here. xo
3.13.2007
W. T. F.
Left work around 7:15pm tonight, feeling pretty good I got to leave before first light of the next day. As I'm walking along 8th Street on Chestnut towards the train station, plugged into my fuel supply (iPod) and staring at the ground (sidewalk) I hear a "Hey there!" straining through the cerebral stylings of King Crimson. I look up and stop to see a guy I *swear* I've never seen before standing next to me. I thought he was going to ask me for the time or for a lock of hair so I reached for my pair of clock scissors, but he looked right at me and said, "Hi! It's Chris! Don't you remember me?"
"Um, actually I'm not too sure..."
"OK!"
Then, with a big smile, quickly turns and walks away. Just like that! Before I could ask, "where do I know you from?" or "it's 7:20, would you like some bangs?" he was gone! Now, I have a confession: I am really bad about remembering people. This is completely true: Last year I was introduced to 2 people before a concert, then about 15 minutes later when I went to my seat I saw those 2 people in my row and was freaked out when they started talking to me because I didn't remember them. Another time I was at a bar and the bartender started talking to me like I knew him but I swore I didn't. Boy, was I embarrassed when he reminded me that I had dinner with him and his fiance 2 weeks before. (In my defense, I was with my friend Bart on both of these occasions and he is my kryptonite but more like in a giant bottle of peroxide kinda way).
See, here's Bart using his idiot-inducing powers on me:
But I swear I don't remember that guy (whatshisname--Chris, right?) but here I am racking brain matter against every possible situation I've been in where I could have been introduced to a human male named Chris and so far the only thing that's coming up is that I would like a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream now.
It's really bothering me I can't remember him since concepts like "remembering" and "identifying" and "giving a flying fuck" are really hard for me. But what is bothering me more is that he walked away before he could explain where he knew me from! How rude! How dare he just walk out on me like that? After all we might have possibly been through together?
Of course for a brief second I thought that he might have mistaken me for someone else, but C'MON, who could ever forget ME?
"Um, actually I'm not too sure..."
"OK!"
Then, with a big smile, quickly turns and walks away. Just like that! Before I could ask, "where do I know you from?" or "it's 7:20, would you like some bangs?" he was gone! Now, I have a confession: I am really bad about remembering people. This is completely true: Last year I was introduced to 2 people before a concert, then about 15 minutes later when I went to my seat I saw those 2 people in my row and was freaked out when they started talking to me because I didn't remember them. Another time I was at a bar and the bartender started talking to me like I knew him but I swore I didn't. Boy, was I embarrassed when he reminded me that I had dinner with him and his fiance 2 weeks before. (In my defense, I was with my friend Bart on both of these occasions and he is my kryptonite but more like in a giant bottle of peroxide kinda way).
See, here's Bart using his idiot-inducing powers on me:
But I swear I don't remember that guy (whatshisname--Chris, right?) but here I am racking brain matter against every possible situation I've been in where I could have been introduced to a human male named Chris and so far the only thing that's coming up is that I would like a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream now.
It's really bothering me I can't remember him since concepts like "remembering" and "identifying" and "giving a flying fuck" are really hard for me. But what is bothering me more is that he walked away before he could explain where he knew me from! How rude! How dare he just walk out on me like that? After all we might have possibly been through together?
Of course for a brief second I thought that he might have mistaken me for someone else, but C'MON, who could ever forget ME?
2.18.2007
I hope you're sitting down because you're about to throw up
Here it is. The blog you've all been waiting for. You knew this was coming, right? (You ARE all prophets from the Fertile Crescent aka the South & Middle Western portion of the United States, right?)
Well whether you are predicting my next blog while fundamentally breeding yet another 4-H member or not, you should have seen this coming anyway. I mean, it's just so obvious! This blog's thrown back 3 cosmos, has undone 2 more buttons, and has thrown itself all over you. And you are just drunk enough right now to know you want it.
So let's get right to it, shall we? THE blog. You know, THAT one. The one that has fallen out of the sky, landed on your face, and now is screaming frantically because it has landed on your face in a compromising position right in front of your nose.
So here it is. (Drum roll please...........)
.....uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....what was I talking about? You would know, right? I hope?
Well whether you are predicting my next blog while fundamentally breeding yet another 4-H member or not, you should have seen this coming anyway. I mean, it's just so obvious! This blog's thrown back 3 cosmos, has undone 2 more buttons, and has thrown itself all over you. And you are just drunk enough right now to know you want it.
So let's get right to it, shall we? THE blog. You know, THAT one. The one that has fallen out of the sky, landed on your face, and now is screaming frantically because it has landed on your face in a compromising position right in front of your nose.
So here it is. (Drum roll please...........)
.....uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....what was I talking about? You would know, right? I hope?
2.02.2007
Welcome to the greatest website EVER! Maybe.
Welcome to Staby's new blog playground! Isn't it sexy?
Perhaps you've heard of me from the Interweb's own MySpace or you sat next to me in study hall junior year of high school or you are drunk on AquaNet and NyQuil. Whatever the reason, I am so very glad you are here!
I used to dribble words all over MySpace but I was replaced by an electric monkey mid-season so I am now dribbling all over here and doing fabric softener ads. I will try to update this page regularly, so please subscribe. It's so much fun to validate my existence! Woo hoo!
I will leave you now with an oldie but goodie blog I posted about a year ago about the power of family love. Get out your tissues...
(Originally posted to MySpace in January 2006)
Adventures in Babysitting
So this morning, when I got home from the gym my sister is at my house with this little person--a boy, some would say--that she has always claimed to be her son and my nephew. She also maintains that I had promised to take care of her “boy” while she worked this weekend. I do not remember making this commitment, but I feared refusing her request as for years I’ve had reason to believe she is a powerful warlord sent from the planet Nebulilliput, and everyone knows what happens when you piss off a Nebulilliputian warlord.
After listening to some disturbing advice regarding things like “bedtime” and “teeth brushing” and “extra underwear” I am left alone with the child. After about an hour of staring at each other in silence, I decided to break the ice by offering him some of my usual post-workout drink: a delightful concoction of raw eggs, a Snickers bar, and scotch which he thoroughly enjoyed until he puked it up all over my brand new running shoes. After I made him clean it all up with Q-Tips, I decided it’s probably not a good idea to give him anything else to eat or drink while he’s here.
Then to my surprise, the child begins speaking in English. He asks if I can take him to the movies to see a picture called “Hoodwinked.” I thought this was a wonderful idea, so off we went to the cinema at the Moorestown Mall. Five hours, a pedicure, and a fabulous sale at Banana Republic later, I pick him up at the mall security center where I listened to some uniform babble on about “child abandonment” and “hysterical crying” whatever that all means. We head back to my place where he is now trying to follow a souffle recipe I left out for him. Finally, this kid is doing something useful around here. Tomorrow morning I think I’ll ask him to make blueberry pancakes and groom the dogs.
I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of this “babysitting” thing. It’s actually kind of fun bossing around someone younger, smaller, and with less bladder control than you. I’m free next weekend if anyone needs me to watch their kid. I’ve got plenty of Q-Tips.
Perhaps you've heard of me from the Interweb's own MySpace or you sat next to me in study hall junior year of high school or you are drunk on AquaNet and NyQuil. Whatever the reason, I am so very glad you are here!
I used to dribble words all over MySpace but I was replaced by an electric monkey mid-season so I am now dribbling all over here and doing fabric softener ads. I will try to update this page regularly, so please subscribe. It's so much fun to validate my existence! Woo hoo!
I will leave you now with an oldie but goodie blog I posted about a year ago about the power of family love. Get out your tissues...
(Originally posted to MySpace in January 2006)
Adventures in Babysitting
So this morning, when I got home from the gym my sister is at my house with this little person--a boy, some would say--that she has always claimed to be her son and my nephew. She also maintains that I had promised to take care of her “boy” while she worked this weekend. I do not remember making this commitment, but I feared refusing her request as for years I’ve had reason to believe she is a powerful warlord sent from the planet Nebulilliput, and everyone knows what happens when you piss off a Nebulilliputian warlord.
After listening to some disturbing advice regarding things like “bedtime” and “teeth brushing” and “extra underwear” I am left alone with the child. After about an hour of staring at each other in silence, I decided to break the ice by offering him some of my usual post-workout drink: a delightful concoction of raw eggs, a Snickers bar, and scotch which he thoroughly enjoyed until he puked it up all over my brand new running shoes. After I made him clean it all up with Q-Tips, I decided it’s probably not a good idea to give him anything else to eat or drink while he’s here.
Then to my surprise, the child begins speaking in English. He asks if I can take him to the movies to see a picture called “Hoodwinked.” I thought this was a wonderful idea, so off we went to the cinema at the Moorestown Mall. Five hours, a pedicure, and a fabulous sale at Banana Republic later, I pick him up at the mall security center where I listened to some uniform babble on about “child abandonment” and “hysterical crying” whatever that all means. We head back to my place where he is now trying to follow a souffle recipe I left out for him. Finally, this kid is doing something useful around here. Tomorrow morning I think I’ll ask him to make blueberry pancakes and groom the dogs.
I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of this “babysitting” thing. It’s actually kind of fun bossing around someone younger, smaller, and with less bladder control than you. I’m free next weekend if anyone needs me to watch their kid. I’ve got plenty of Q-Tips.
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