The top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time

Need a last-minute gift idea that is completely banal, spineless, and thankless like saying "Season's Greetings" or watching MTV? Well look no further -- I am here to help with the top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time that I thought of right now.

Now before I begin the listing of the list, all items get bonus points if

1. There are more than 2 "clearance/red tag" stickers on it.
2. You discover it on an end cap thrown together with other clearance items.
3. You buy the gift between 7:00pm on Christmas Eve and noon Christmas Day.
4. It is dusty.

So here are your Christmas gift suggestions that can show really just how much this holiday season has sucked out your soul. For you local readers, now is a good time to turn on B101 radio.

5. Cookie mix bag
These so-called treats were a very popular thoughtless gift in the 90's around the same time people started baking for their dogs. Coincidence? I have no idea. Anyway, these thoughtless bags of crap are still around today and can be seen on many middle-manager desks the week of Christmas all around the country.

BONUS:

• It has a miniature wooden spoon tied to the bag with twine
• It has a cookie-cutter in the shape of a snowman tied to the bag with twine

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your neighbor who never invites you to his house parties
• Your cousin's golden retriever
  
  

4. Bath sets
Collections of lotions, soaps, body wash, and never-will-be-used bubble bath are a perennial thoughtless Christmas gift that even works for birthdays, anniversaries, and for any re-gifting purposes. Sets that come in a "caddy" of sorts -- a basket, canvas bag, or metal tray will be highly praised by the receiver for such a "bonus"; however, in reality it will only clutter her linen closet.

BONUS:

• The scent literally renders you unconscious
  
• It's Jean Nate

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• The office cougar
• Your brother's whore

3. Random selections from the $10 gift rack
These precious trinkets can be found at any of the traditional Christmas thoughtlessness meccas: Target, WalMart, Boscovs, and JC Penney's. They usually appear the day after Halloween at the front of the store next to the Christmas lights and the Whitman's Chocolates* displays. Some of these specially priced money suckers include the battery-operated tie-rack, the reading light with pin-hole precision, and the magnetic chess game the size of a coaster.

BONUS:

• It breaks into more than 2 pieces when taken out of the box
• It comes with batteries that were clearly manufactured in the 80s

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your dad
• People who grace their lawns with inflatable Christmas characters surrounding a plastic nativity scene

*2. Whitman's or Russell Stover's chocolates
No doubt about it, these guys make shitty chocolate. This is usually purchased when items number 3, 4, and 5 are sold out or you make your purchase on the way to the recipient's house.

BONUS:

• You actually have the audacity to wrap it in Christmas wrapping paper

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Disowned family members
• Your local hobo

1. Mug filled with hard candy
This is so thoughtless it borders on insulting.

BONUS:

• The handle is chipped
• The mug has "HO HO HO" printed on it
• You buy the mug and candy separately thinking this trite personalization will actually make it thoughtFUL

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• People over the age of 85
• Spinster teachers

So make your list and check it twice....if you think of it.

Merry Christmas! xo

But wait, there's more!

I can't believe it's been over a year since I visited this black hole also known as my blog. I've decided to finally break-up with my on again off again bitch MySpace blog and commit to this Blogger thing since I've finally remembered the password to this Blogger thing.

I just came back from a Christmas party at a bicycle shop in University City. So obviously, I am in no condition to write a new blog that I'm not sure anyone would read but quite certain s/he would puke on. So to tie you over until next time, here's one I wrote at the end of 2007 that outlines 10, yes 10 New Year's Resolutions. Did I make any of them happen? Fuck no, but that's OK since I can just recycle them in a few weeks. Bein' green is bein' lazy!

-----------------------------------------

Look and you and your 1 little pussy New Year's Resolution! Am I the only one's who's got the balls to declare 10?!

1. I will not feed my anger, sadness, tingly sensations, happiness, and latent suspicions with economy packs of Oreo cookies double-stuffed with shame.

2. I will retire the word "douchebag" and bring back "whorebag"

3. I will not allow my workout clothes to become my fat clothes.

4. I will find the girl who sings that asshole song "Bubbly" and tell her to please drink her weight in gin for a week, have sex with a hobo, and then bludgeon him with the iron teddy bear she keeps in her ass so she can write a real song.*

5. I will not insult pop stars anymore because I am a jealous pop tart.

6. I will not clone myself.

7. I will learn to love my freakishly hideous and horrifyingly busted body.

8. I will not play Soduku.

9. I will pray that all children will grow-up in a world without Prairie Home Companion.

10. I will be here when you get back.

*For 2009, I might replace "the girl who sings that asshole song "Bubbly"" with the "Jonas Brothers" or "Jack Johnson"

Still lost, still maladjusted...

1. Is it that time of the day where you can't decide to see how far you can really stick your finger up your ass or finally return the pie plate your 2nd cousin left at your house during your 2003 Memorial Day BBQ?

2. Do you enjoy post-modern literature about urinating all over yourself in public?

3. Are you on the computer right now?

If you answered YES or maybe NO to these questions you are sexy, popular, fabulous, and hopefully gullible enough to click on this link: The Lost Poems of the Socially Maladjusted

Has anyone seen my Dildo?

According to a sign tacked onto a telephone pole in Collingswood, there is a dog named "Dildo" missing. Not "ran away in shame" but "missing"...

CORRECTION: In a blog dated 16 March 2007, I stated I am going to 5 Genesis shows. Since that time show 6 has been added; MSG on 25 September 2007. Lobotomy is scheduled for 13 June 2007. Thank you.

What's up, Planet Earth?

Are you like me and don't have time to read the news because you are too busy eating corn chips and masturbating all day? Or perhaps you don't like newspapers because they don't taste good or you can't watch the news on TV because your dog uses the remote control to time travel with Dr. Demento. Whatever your lame excuse, I can help bring you up to snuff on all that shit that is clogging every communication channel and being shoved down our throats. (That's me being cynical. Isn't it cute?)

--Dom Imus was fired from CBS Radio for making a racist comment about the women's basketball team at Rutgers University. He also looks like Skeletor.

--Chicago beat Los Angeles in the bid for Olympics hosting rights in 2016. After a collective "fuck yeah!" shout-out, Chicago told LA to kiss it. LA retaliated with the classic, "sit on this and rotate."

--An astronaunt named Suni Williams completed the Boston Marathon on a treadmill in outer space in 4 hours and 24 minutes. And I just ate a cookie on Saturn in about 10 seconds.

--There's this guy...I think...named Sanjaya on this show "American Idol" who apparently can't sing but is very good at overshadowing the announcement of Kurt Vonnegut's death.

--WHAT?! WE'RE STILL IN IRAQ?! WTF?!?!

So there you go. Don't you feel smarter now? Help yourself to another corn chip.

Step 1: Bring Home Best Friend. Step 2: Profit.

This is what happens during the first 2 weeks after your best friend moves home:

1. Make a promise to go running with her then immediately break your toe on the bathroom door---I mean get bitten by a shark (yes, yes that's much cooler)

2. Drink lots of alcohol, then make an artistically political statement in pictures with cheese curls:


3. Chemically straighten each other's hair with a substance that takes a chisle and blowtorch to remove from your kitchen floor.

4. Watch a movie called Reign Over Me, trying not to suffocate on all the Oscar clips and Bruce Springsteen songs (...OK, and choke on your tears. Yeah, I really DO have a heart OK, so shut the fuck up already).

5. Swoon when she shouts to a stranger, "That's not a parking spot you dickhole!!" on a beautiful and sunny Tuesday afternoon.

6. Drink more alcohol.

These are just the highlights. We've also ridden in a car, eaten at some restaurants, and over the weekend met our future selves at the Circle-K together as well. I can't wait to see what's in store for us next! I'm sure it will have something to do with drinking more alcohol and plotting "Operation Bring Home Boyfriend And Morbidly But Wonderfully Obese Cat" in our secret lair (the PATCO train)...

Welcome home, N. I am so happy you are here. xo

W. T. F.

Left work around 7:15pm tonight, feeling pretty good I got to leave before first light of the next day. As I'm walking along 8th Street on Chestnut towards the train station, plugged into my fuel supply (iPod) and staring at the ground (sidewalk) I hear a "Hey there!" straining through the cerebral stylings of King Crimson. I look up and stop to see a guy I *swear* I've never seen before standing next to me. I thought he was going to ask me for the time or for a lock of hair so I reached for my pair of clock scissors, but he looked right at me and said, "Hi! It's Chris! Don't you remember me?"

"Um, actually I'm not too sure..."

"OK!"

Then, with a big smile, quickly turns and walks away. Just like that! Before I could ask, "where do I know you from?" or "it's 7:20, would you like some bangs?" he was gone! Now, I have a confession: I am really bad about remembering people. This is completely true: Last year I was introduced to 2 people before a concert, then about 15 minutes later when I went to my seat I saw those 2 people in my row and was freaked out when they started talking to me because I didn't remember them. Another time I was at a bar and the bartender started talking to me like I knew him but I swore I didn't. Boy, was I embarrassed when he reminded me that I had dinner with him and his fiance 2 weeks before. (In my defense, I was with my friend Bart on both of these occasions and he is my kryptonite but more like in a giant bottle of peroxide kinda way).

See, here's Bart using his idiot-inducing powers on me:



But I swear I don't remember that guy (whatshisname--Chris, right?) but here I am racking brain matter against every possible situation I've been in where I could have been introduced to a human male named Chris and so far the only thing that's coming up is that I would like a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream now.

It's really bothering me I can't remember him since concepts like "remembering" and "identifying" and "giving a flying fuck" are really hard for me. But what is bothering me more is that he walked away before he could explain where he knew me from! How rude! How dare he just walk out on me like that? After all we might have possibly been through together?

Of course for a brief second I thought that he might have mistaken me for someone else, but C'MON, who could ever forget ME?