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| "Party Platter" is a shape, right? |
Last year I went vegetarian and that alone has helped tremendously. Thanks to a diet centered around fruits and vegetables, I now have the happiest colon in the world. And according to my husband, the most productive one.
But even though I feel good, not all vegetarian food is healthy, and that + my life-long sugar addiction still turns my “skinny jeans” into “sausage casings.” So I somehow gotta burn off the booze and chocolate-covered cheesy burrito pizzas I regularly throw down my neck so I don’t make my Spanx and my heart cry so much.
I have attempted “exercise" before, and even though John Oates was an amazing workout partner, it didn’t last and I think that is because 1) the 2012 Hall and Oates tour and 2) I didn’t have a tangible goal in place. It’s so easy to slide into the deep ranch dressing-filled valley of bad habits when you aren’t made accountable for your insatiable desire for naps over laps.
So this, the Year of Our Lord 2016, I am going to do the Bike MS: City to Shore (150 miles on my bicycle) September 24 and 25, and the Philly Half Marathon (13.1 miles on my feet) on November 20. That’s GOALS people! Stupid, crazy fucking GOALS!
I have proudly worn the diaper shorts soaked in Vaseline for the City to Shore ride 6 times now, so I know what to expect and what I need to do to train (tip: asking all your friends if they have any leftover Vicodin from a tooth extraction is KEY.) But this half marathon is all new to me. As is the concept of “running."
I’ve been using this app that claims to get you running a 5k (3.1 miles) in as little as 9 weeks. So far it’s great — I’ve been on week 2 for the past 10 weeks now.
I will share my progress (read: whine about side stitches and my low lung capacity) here throughout the months leading up the events so stay tuned for more. The next phase in my training is totally reworking my running playlist. Needs more Devin Townsend as I can still hear myself wheezing over the usual David Coverdale.
In the meantime, I am raising money for the Philadelphia/New Jersey chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society (I’m not riding that ridiculous distance for nothing!) so please visit my fundraising page and do something good today to balance out the bad from reading this.
But even though I feel good, not all vegetarian food is healthy, and that + my life-long sugar addiction still turns my “skinny jeans” into “sausage casings.” So I somehow gotta burn off the booze and chocolate-covered cheesy burrito pizzas I regularly throw down my neck so I don’t make my Spanx and my heart cry so much.
I have attempted “exercise" before, and even though John Oates was an amazing workout partner, it didn’t last and I think that is because 1) the 2012 Hall and Oates tour and 2) I didn’t have a tangible goal in place. It’s so easy to slide into the deep ranch dressing-filled valley of bad habits when you aren’t made accountable for your insatiable desire for naps over laps.
So this, the Year of Our Lord 2016, I am going to do the Bike MS: City to Shore (150 miles on my bicycle) September 24 and 25, and the Philly Half Marathon (13.1 miles on my feet) on November 20. That’s GOALS people! Stupid, crazy fucking GOALS!
I have proudly worn the diaper shorts soaked in Vaseline for the City to Shore ride 6 times now, so I know what to expect and what I need to do to train (tip: asking all your friends if they have any leftover Vicodin from a tooth extraction is KEY.) But this half marathon is all new to me. As is the concept of “running."
I’ve been using this app that claims to get you running a 5k (3.1 miles) in as little as 9 weeks. So far it’s great — I’ve been on week 2 for the past 10 weeks now.
The difference between cycling and running is that when I cycle I go fast and far and I don’t trip. And when I run I wish I was on a bicycle. I’ve got Double D-Bags* up top and a Wide Load on the bottom (aka, The Lady Stabson Barren Cavern) which makes me better suited for sports like hula-hooping and being a floatation device than running. This in itself makes me move slow but what is really frustrating is that I can’t get above a 4 mph pace because anything faster causes highly volatile thigh friction.
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| Lady Stabson clocks in at 6 mph and provides heat for the entire neighborhood |
But despite the fact I look like a giant cave troll chasing a balloon just out of reach when I’m running, I am committed to staying on track with my training and eventually completing this half marathon. Hopefully between now and November I will slim down to a svelte Uruk Hai and my heart will stay intact just long enough for me to fling myself over the half marathon finish line.
I will share my progress (read: whine about side stitches and my low lung capacity) here throughout the months leading up the events so stay tuned for more. The next phase in my training is totally reworking my running playlist. Needs more Devin Townsend as I can still hear myself wheezing over the usual David Coverdale.
In the meantime, I am raising money for the Philadelphia/New Jersey chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society (I’m not riding that ridiculous distance for nothing!) so please visit my fundraising page and do something good today to balance out the bad from reading this.
Forever Your Eye of the Tiger,
Lady Stabson
xoxo
xoxo
*Not to be confused with these Double D-Bags:
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