OH HOW CUTE!!!

There are a lot of babies lying around. Tiny, chubby, fucking babies. I know this because every time I check my e-mail or stalk you on Facebook I see inordinate albums of these portable humans that will one day grow up to blame us for all the problems in the world they are too lazy to change themselves.

I really do enjoy seeing the stop-action slideshow of your baby because he/she is the cutest baby in the world. And the other day while looking at a friend’s recently posted “Baby Update!” album I realized something moderately profound---the only time you are UNCONDITIONALLY cute or adorable or can legally be called a “cutie pie” is when you are a baby.

I am so fucking jealous of babies.

I would give anything to go back to a time where a shot of me spitting up some formula would illicit a couple of “aaawwww!!!” and “too adorable!!!” exclamations of delight. Nowadays, someone takes a picture of me drooling out my 8^th bourbon and “cute” suddenly becomes “horrifying.” A damn shame, really. That’s the only cute thing about me.

Anyway, I can understand why parents are genetically predisposed to follow their child’s every move with a camera for the first few years of his life: a child’s simplistic wonder at life unfolding around him gives us hope for humanity and assurance that there is still some good left in this world. And so why wouldn’t you want to capture every moment of that marvel, that newness, that blessed purity?

Mommas you need to snap, Snap, SNAP away those moments into your sacred memories cards.

Because one day your baby will graduate high school and go to college where you will only see inordinate pictures of them doing keg-stands and in the same poses with their peeps but in different outfits and in different bars. Then when they hit their 30s they usually either don’t want their pictures taken or have no reason to anymore. The only thing in the iPhoto Library is a folder of sunrise and sunset shots from a recent trip to the Outer Banks.

To illustrate my point that babies and children hold all of the cuteness power in the world, and therefore leaving none for the rest of us, please see below.

Look at the cute baby reading his first book all by himself like a big boy!

Look she's reading her first historical fiction novel!

Awwwww he's pwaying with bwlocks!

Look she's playing Tap Tap Dance!

They play so cute together!

She works so hard from home!

Oh she's talking to daddy on the phone! How cute!!

Oh SHUT UP! Paula Abdul quit American Idol?! That's crAY-ZEE!

You see, there's no going back so enjoy the cuteness while it lasts...and please let me enjoy it too. :)

Hey it's Atlantic City! Don't forget your towel!

Recently, I traveled to Atlantic City, NJ and if someone could tell me why I'd really appreciate it. For those who are not familiar with this magical land of broken dreams and fragrant piss stains, Atlantic City is a casino town on the New Jersey shoreline. It's Las Vegas's ugly step-child with stretch marks and both kinds of crabs.

It was a beautiful day to wonder if you could get hepatitis from breathing. We had a great spot near the water and the really cool beach bar that totally rocked a mid-90's frat-boy party playlist for all to enjoy. We immediately dove into the ocean, or rather, the shallow, hot, chum-filled salt slop found in most fishing boats. Afterward we soaked up the sun rays, hoping to burn off the bubonic plague festering in our bathing suits.

But the fun didn't end there. After changing out of our beach gear and burning it in the hollowed out belly of a crack whore mermaid that washed up onshore (I *told* you this was a magical land) we decided it would be a good time to eat. Dinner was relaxing and our waiter was absolutely charming in a real asshole kind of way. For example, when we were done eating he asked if he could take our plates and I said, "you are welcome to them!" And then he said, "no thanks you probably have herpes." Wow, he totally knew I was on the beach earlier!

Now it was time to give the casino our money. 48 seconds later it was time to go home.

Driving home I was sad to leave this special town. So many memories...but I have a feeling I will be back someday soon: it's really my kind of place.

Hope everyone is livin' it up and gettin' down this summer! xo