Workin' It

The other day when I looked into a mirror to see if my hair was on straight, I noticed that I looked like a baked potato that swallowed a potato sack containing Jabba the Hut. This, coupled with the realization that my pants were being eaten alive by my own ballooning thorax, was disheartening to say the least.

No more monkey lizards for dessert!

So before my ass started swallowing more than my braies, I decided it was time get in shape. Other than round. Or beached whale.

I signed up for a membership at a gym around the corner from my apartment, and I've even managed to actually show up and workout. When I'm not working out my upper body by throwing 50lb dumbbells at the skinny chicks taking naps on treadmills, I like to take aerobical classes designed for a total body thrashing. The Latin Dance Bear Wrestling class is good, and the Plutonium Pipe Strapped to Your Back Pilates really engages my core. Mostly to vomit itself all over my leotard.

But my FAVORITE class is Inappropriate Talent Show Dancing with Philadelphia's own John Oates. Check us out!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

But exercise is not enough -- I also have to stop eating foods that taste really good. I've tried all the usual diets -- stapling my mouth shut, swallowing a tapeworm before each meal, Slim Fast, eating only goat's blood cabbage soup for 8 weeks....the list of failed attempts to outsmart my fat cells is more massive than my sequoia thunder thighs. So I've decided to create my own diet to try. Feel free to fail on this one too:

• Breakfast: Black coffee while browsing the current issue of Cosmopolitan magazine.
• Lunch: Small salad (no dressing) using the pair of jeans you've been holding onto for over 5 years that you hope you will fit into again as a placemat.
• Dinner: Your own tears.  

So hopefully the next time I look in the mirror it won't mind looking back! Even if it's sweaty, hungry, and ready to disembowel a grown man for an ice cream cone version of me.

Hold Please.

I know many of you have started to panic because I haven't posted anything in awhile, and I also know that is a lie. But I have been quiet lately, as I've become absorbed in another writing project which requires all 6 pairs of hands on my typewriter that looks like a laptop. Anyway, I hate to leave you hangin' more than you do, so here's a blog I just regurgitated from the bowels of my crusty archives. It's one of my worst ever. ENJOY!

----------------------------------------------

Dear Friends,

There are only 5 things I fear:

1. Snakes
2. Nutcracker dolls
3. Axe murderers
4. Developing a peanut allergy
5. Dying from a rare diabolical disease that is disguised as a cold

I am currently living in the midst of fear number 5. Now as some of you may already know, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, or as my dad started calling me in 1988 when I organized my own funeral after I drank some expired milk, his "little fruitcake." So when I get sick, I become obsessed with finding out what is going to kill me this time and wondering who will come visit my grave. This year so far I've had endometriosis, melanoma, tapeworm, deep vein thrombosis, and dry mouth.

But last week I developed another life-threatening illness that has this fruity nut girl quite confounded. It started out as a fever and sore throat (spinal meningitis), then my joints were sore (lupus), then my head was clogged and nose was stuffy (infected with vicious migrant ants from Arizona), then I had fluid in my lungs and chest pain (pulmonary fibrosis), and now I'm in the coughing/sinus headache/upset stomach/Roy Orbison syndrome/fatigue phase (hibernation sickness)--only I have no princess and wookie to nurse me back to health. I'm left with green tea, pseudophedrine, prescription ibuprofen, and whining.

So what's going to be on my death certificate? My mom says I have bronchitis. My co-worker says lyme disease. My sister says it's just a cold. My brother says I should stop shooting snot rockets at him. WebMD tells me I have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and that Roy Orbison may have impregnated me with a globule containing 5 generations of vicious migrant ants from Arizona. Damnit, Orbison, this is NOT how I want to go! Well I guess I'll see him and the rest of his Arizona ants in hell soon enough.

It was nice knowing you all. Please be sure to try the hummus platter at my funeral reception--I'm having it special ordered.

Take care now,

The Late Lady Stabson

Finally, a way to cover my feet AND remember my name!

Today is the first day of wearing the coolest fucking shoes EVER. Cool as fuck cos I designed them myself (obviously) and stole the idea to do so from someone MUCH cooler than me (obviously). His name is Jim and he plays guitar in Tinyfish who are totally HOT. But anyway, look at me awesome ogre feets!! 

Sorry if you happen to glance at my leperous ankles; I think the blade on

the potato peeler I use to shave my legs is getting dull.




















I'm still trying to figure out how to do the laces the double-tongue action going on here, and this is what I came up with after lovingly throwing the shoes across the room about 5 times.

I love, Love, LOVE them, but they are definitely not as cool as my "Box of Glass" designer shoes by Christian Renoir:



Go here to make your own Lady Stabson shoes in your very own size and name! http://www.converse.com/#/landing/create





How It's Done

Many of you already know that I was sent to your planet to primarily fight mutant killer bees from outer space (have you ever seen one? YOU'RE WELCOME!) But were you also aware of the fact that I know how to do almost anything?? The last 2 things on my list to learn are how to write a blog that doesn't have a vomit aftertaste and how to fold a fitted bed sheet.

But until I figure that out, I would like to share with you how to do everything else in the world because I care. Or maybe because I have nothing better to do.

However, with that being said, I would rather have nothing to do than dictate HOW TO DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR 2 THINGS to my minotaur slave who types up all my blogs, so I will just share a few with you now. But if you want to know how to do something that I haven't covered here, please leave a comment with your question, preferably in English and preferably with Phillies tickets attached.

My more devoted readers (ie, the ones that don't exist) may recall that I have already shared with you how to tell if you do not like to have sex with your sex partner and how to buy last minute Christmas gifts. I am sure you have them printed out for easy reference or as back-up toilet tissue.

But did you also know...

How to eat an Oreo without any teeth?

1. Gather about 15 - 20 pebbles or small jagged rocks. 
2. Apply Krazy Glue to your gums.
3. Apply stones. 
4. Eat Oreo.

How to flirt with a woman?

1. DO make eye contact. If she does not have eyes, proceed with fondling her genitals.
2. DO buy her a drink. If you are out of roofies, she doesn't have to know!
3. DON'T kiss another man in front of her.
4. DON'T wear socks with sandals.

How to let your friends know that you have been taken hostage but can only do so via text message because your mouth has been taped shut?

1. :-X

How a progressive rock band from outside North America should tour there? 

 

1. Just take the same advice I gave Marillion in 1995 -- these are the only American cities that can guarantee a full venue with fans who can handle soaring 12 minute instrumental solos and 4 song sets that have >10 costume changes. Although you can substitute Milwaukee for Grand Rapids in an emergency. YOU'RE WELCOME, MARILLION!

How to listen to Japanese Zeuhl?

1. Drink 4 buckets of sake.
2. Remove your ears with common household kitchen shears.

How to kill a plant?

1. Give it to me.

That is all for tonight. If there is anything else you need to know how to do -- I can't imagine what else you could ever need to know now, but if you do -- please let me know. In the meantime, YOU'RE WELCOME.

Salute to Gettysburg, PA!

Sometimes I have the privilege of leaving Philadelphia to visit other places that are not Philadelphia. I had such an opportunity last weekend and of all the other places in the world that are not Philadelphia, I decided to see Gettysburg, PA.

Gettysburg is a wonderful town with the country's highest population of psychics and ghosts with its major exports being rusty shackles and dented tins full of bullets (for ghost hunting purposes only). Gettysburg is also birthplace of "Bagelry,"a method of bagel-making invented during the Civil War by Sgt. Other on Little Round Top with a musket barrel and some dough shrapnel. The now world famous "other bagel" is aptly named after him.

Gettysburgians love their bagels, and as many of you know, eating is one of their favorite pastimes. However, what you may not know, is that they are one of the few remaining pockets of American civilization that still eat garbage. Although the tradition of eating trash is starting to wane with the younger generation, many of the inhabitants--particularly those who still wear knickers in the bath and hunt ghosts--will partake in garbage grazing from time to time in honor of Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address" where he appealed to a torn nation, "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal and it is their destiny to eat garbage."


However, a recent uprise from an elite and fast-growing anti-garbage militia have taken to the streets with a campaign to put an end to the garbage noshing. The town's psychics are predicting this is the start of Civil War II.

Anti-garbage militia vandalism

According to our ghost tour guide, if Civil War II does break out and you happen to be in Gettysburg at the time, it is critical that you are NOT anywhere near a brick wall within city limits. As you know, brick walls are usually made of bricks and wall paste. But in Gettysburg, the brick walls are made of bricks and pure malice, which is stronger and filled with more harrowing doom than typical wall paste. The psychics in town predict that a war will really piss them off, even more so then when you park your car too close to them.

One afternoon I decided to take a break from taking in all this COMPLETELY TRUE wonderment of Gettysburg and do some shopping. I went into their only major department store, 7-11, and after about 2 seconds decided to go punch and taunt a brick wall.

When I heard the wall hissing loudly in 21/8 time, I knew it was time to go back to Philadelphia. I was sad to leave, but I will definitely be back next year. A psychic told me so.

My Body is a Busted Wonderland Electric!

So on Friday I went for my annual check-up with the hoo ha doctor (known as Doctor Who Ha in the UK) and I am happy to report that technically I am still a woman. The exam was just bidniz as usual until, while the Doc was elbow-deep in my lady bits, I noticed her screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and vomiting into a hazardous waste receptacle.

This has happened before, so I didn't pay much attention, but the doctor seemed concerned by the way she was shaking violently and turning green. She said to me, "Excuse me for a moment, Freak of Nature, I need to go get the ultrasound machine."

The ultrasound machine is ultracool. It takes pictures of your insides and shows you how horrifyingly strange our bodies are. I always enjoy this part of doctor and airport visits.

Before the hoo ha doctor performed the ultrasound, she showed me a picture of a "normal" female reproductive system on her overhead projector:








And then this is the picture of my girl junk that spat out of the machine:




No reproductive activity will be taking place in here, methinks. 

After the Doc uploaded the picture to Facebook and tagged me, she said that she was most fascinated by my rusted ovaries, which was caused by my purchase of Marillion's Script for a Jester's Tear the EXACT moment I began puberty. My poor ovaries have been sobbing ever since I first heard the title track.

Awesome album, but not recommended for girls between 
the ages of 10 - 17 

I was also surprised to learn that this condition occurs in only 1 in 6,918,654,257 persons. I am special!! After close examination and consulting her copy of How to Erase Your Memory, 4th edition, the doctor reassured me I was fine and recommended I douche with Canada Dry Tonic Water at least once a week.


After my visit with the hoo ha doctor I was curious to see what other parts of my body looked like, so I went on eBay and bid and won an ultrasound machine of my very own! Unfortunately I was outbid on the Instagram model, but did eventually score a Pee-Wee's Playhouse Magic Screen Ultrasound Home Kit!!




Chairry x-ray machine sold separately.

Once I said the word of the day to turn it on, I applied the special Ghostbusters Slimer Ectocooler lubricating gel and started snapping shots of my naked innards. Here are 2 that came out -- 1 of my digestive system, and 1 of my only brain. I really wanted to get a shot of my cyborg control panel but I couldn't get the damn lighting right.

So here is a very talented artist's rendition of the human digestive system:









...And I say "very talented" because my own gizzards look EXACTLY THE SAME except for 1 minor detail that doesn't surprise me in the least:







According to WebMD, Nick Swisher has been known
to cause explosive diarrhea in some people

The ultrasound of my brain is quite curious, mostly because my single brain is located behind my LEFT KNEE and NOT MY HEAD! THIS IS TRUE! I guess it slipped down there after all these years of head bopping to long progressive rock instrumentals.


Regular brain ultrasound, found inside a human skull:







And here is the ultrasound of my brain which I painstakingly photoshopped on top of an ultrasound of my head cavity. Sorry about the red-eye -- I can never take a picture without looking like some demon witch and the red-eye reduction feature on my Magic Screen was busted like Pee-Wee in a porn theater.







Isn't biology neat?! I hope you found this educational and not in the least bit like 5 minutes of your life you'll never get back... Next week I'll be back to let you know how my appointment with the dermatologist goes -- should be exciting as I'm due for a good molt.

Sorry Your Plan to Turn Your Kids Into The Legion of Super-Heroes Didn't Work Out

Don't you just hate it when a perfectly good plan turns out to be a flaming pile of radioactive elephant snot?  Especially if your plan was to turn all of the world's children into radioactive, crime-fighting ogres (even larger than elephants and slipperier than their snot) that have super-powers in order to stop the violent uprising of hobos and hippies.


Well the United States, and I'm sure many other industrialized nations out there (if there are any of note besides the US), had such a plan. You see starting back in the 1940s--aka the "Tupperwarezoa Era"--government, businesses and anti-hobo militias all over America began mass producing piles of useless crap like home appliances, cars, The Devil's national chain of power plant emporiums, Nalgene bottles, toxic waste dump daycare centers, SUVs that eat hippies and rainforest tears for fuel, and the always popular "Sweet-n-Low and Twinkie" TV dinners. All of course with a coating of cherry-flavored lead paint and Berry Blast Bisphenol A aka BPA aka the stuff that turns your gonads into curdled lumps of jelly. These things were made from all kinds of awesome chemicals that we can't pronounce and created while stoned out of our fucking minds. These so-called innovations in high techniness made civilized adults could look really smart, and the way they just let these bad-ass chemicals just leak, seep, and steep into the environment just made them so fucking cool! C'mon, isn't confident indifference the sexiest thing EVER? Seriously, they were like, "dude, like if any of this wicked shit we just made is bad for us, it's just going to disappear into the sky and if some of it gets in the ground or ocean, who fucking cares? The Earth is pretty fucking big ya know."


In addition to this widely accepted, completely understandable indifference there has also always been a small subset of the population who actually believed that the raping our environment at the expense of common sense could also be a GOOD thing for our civilized civilization. Yes, I'm finally getting back to the super-powered ogre children.


Since the first child crawled into the carburetor of a 1953 Starliner Coupe, scientists have hypothesized that someday, these man-made chemicals would begin to morph human babies into the ultimate human fighting machines that could rid this plant of bothersome life forms such as the aforementioned hippies and hobos, as well as common household communists, garden snakes, rattlesnakes, cobras, anacondas, and Gingko trees. (FFS those trees stink!!)


The plan seemed to be working until recently a bunch of uppity scientist hobos released a series of reports that said the kids are in fact NOT going to arm wrestle Stalin, but they are sick and will grow up hating you for driving 500 miles to go hiking for 2 days with a Nalgene bottle.


According to several studies published in the journal Health Affairs, "even minute exposures to toxic chemicals — at levels that would have no impact on an adults — can harm children, leading to diseases like asthma, mental retardation, and possibly cancer." WHAT?! The chemicals don't just evaporate or make our developing kids more menacing to crotalids? Fucking hellballs.


Wait it gets better. Apparently our attempts to sneak out over 60 years of deadly air biscuits when no one is looking and to chemically enhance our kids is also costing us a lot of coin. In the US in 2008, 

• Lead poisoning cost $50.9 billion.
• Autism cost $7.9 billion.
• Intellectual disability cost $5.4 billion.
• Exposure to mercury (methyl mercury) cost $5.1 billion.
• Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder cost $5.0 billion.
• Asthma cost $2.2 billion.
• Childhood cancer cost $95.0 million.

That's a lot of fucking money and a lot of really sick kids. For fucking fuck's sake, they have to grow up listening to Justin Bieber* AND put up with this shit?! I really feel sorry for the little fuckers and all the parents out there buying $15 jugs of organic milk and juice from magical golden oranges in vain attempts to clean out their insides.

Seriously friends and hippies, this really sucks and blows. I can't believe how much we diss our own planet sometimes. Anyway, here's more information about these seriously hideous environmental issues, probably without all the f-bombs (from http://phpartners.org/cehir/index.html):

Center for Children's Health and the Environment (CCHE) - (Mount Sinai School of Medicine (MSSM))  - The Center for Children's Health and the Environment's mission is to promote the health of children by conducting environmental health and policy research. This site contains fact sheets, reports, testimony, and press releases on a variety of children's environmental health issues.

Children's Environmental Health Network (CEHN) - CEHN is a national multidisciplinary project dedicated to protect the fetus and the child from environmental hazards and promote a healthy environment. This site provides an overview of children's environmental health issues, a Training Manual on Pediatric Environmental Health, and a resource guide of related programs, projects and organizations.

Children's Health Protection - (Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) U.S.)  - This site contains information on environmental factors in childhood cancers, developmental and neurological programs, and health effects of pesticides, metals and other hazardous substances. The site also focuses on current EPA activities in these areas on the local, state, federal, and international levels.

So keep your kids away from radioactive ooze as it is no guarantee they will end up being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and join me next week as I explore the healing power of Hostess Snack Cakes. 

*Used for blog SEO purposes only.