How It's Done

Many of you already know that I was sent to your planet to primarily fight mutant killer bees from outer space (have you ever seen one? YOU'RE WELCOME!) But were you also aware of the fact that I know how to do almost anything?? The last 2 things on my list to learn are how to write a blog that doesn't have a vomit aftertaste and how to fold a fitted bed sheet.

But until I figure that out, I would like to share with you how to do everything else in the world because I care. Or maybe because I have nothing better to do.

However, with that being said, I would rather have nothing to do than dictate HOW TO DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR 2 THINGS to my minotaur slave who types up all my blogs, so I will just share a few with you now. But if you want to know how to do something that I haven't covered here, please leave a comment with your question, preferably in English and preferably with Phillies tickets attached.

My more devoted readers (ie, the ones that don't exist) may recall that I have already shared with you how to tell if you do not like to have sex with your sex partner and how to buy last minute Christmas gifts. I am sure you have them printed out for easy reference or as back-up toilet tissue.

But did you also know...

How to eat an Oreo without any teeth?

1. Gather about 15 - 20 pebbles or small jagged rocks. 
2. Apply Krazy Glue to your gums.
3. Apply stones. 
4. Eat Oreo.

How to flirt with a woman?

1. DO make eye contact. If she does not have eyes, proceed with fondling her genitals.
2. DO buy her a drink. If you are out of roofies, she doesn't have to know!
3. DON'T kiss another man in front of her.
4. DON'T wear socks with sandals.

How to let your friends know that you have been taken hostage but can only do so via text message because your mouth has been taped shut?

1. :-X

How a progressive rock band from outside North America should tour there? 

 

1. Just take the same advice I gave Marillion in 1995 -- these are the only American cities that can guarantee a full venue with fans who can handle soaring 12 minute instrumental solos and 4 song sets that have >10 costume changes. Although you can substitute Milwaukee for Grand Rapids in an emergency. YOU'RE WELCOME, MARILLION!

How to listen to Japanese Zeuhl?

1. Drink 4 buckets of sake.
2. Remove your ears with common household kitchen shears.

How to kill a plant?

1. Give it to me.

That is all for tonight. If there is anything else you need to know how to do -- I can't imagine what else you could ever need to know now, but if you do -- please let me know. In the meantime, YOU'RE WELCOME.