Salute to Gettysburg, PA!

Sometimes I have the privilege of leaving Philadelphia to visit other places that are not Philadelphia. I had such an opportunity last weekend and of all the other places in the world that are not Philadelphia, I decided to see Gettysburg, PA.

Gettysburg is a wonderful town with the country's highest population of psychics and ghosts with its major exports being rusty shackles and dented tins full of bullets (for ghost hunting purposes only). Gettysburg is also birthplace of "Bagelry,"a method of bagel-making invented during the Civil War by Sgt. Other on Little Round Top with a musket barrel and some dough shrapnel. The now world famous "other bagel" is aptly named after him.

Gettysburgians love their bagels, and as many of you know, eating is one of their favorite pastimes. However, what you may not know, is that they are one of the few remaining pockets of American civilization that still eat garbage. Although the tradition of eating trash is starting to wane with the younger generation, many of the inhabitants--particularly those who still wear knickers in the bath and hunt ghosts--will partake in garbage grazing from time to time in honor of Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address" where he appealed to a torn nation, "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal and it is their destiny to eat garbage."


However, a recent uprise from an elite and fast-growing anti-garbage militia have taken to the streets with a campaign to put an end to the garbage noshing. The town's psychics are predicting this is the start of Civil War II.

Anti-garbage militia vandalism

According to our ghost tour guide, if Civil War II does break out and you happen to be in Gettysburg at the time, it is critical that you are NOT anywhere near a brick wall within city limits. As you know, brick walls are usually made of bricks and wall paste. But in Gettysburg, the brick walls are made of bricks and pure malice, which is stronger and filled with more harrowing doom than typical wall paste. The psychics in town predict that a war will really piss them off, even more so then when you park your car too close to them.

One afternoon I decided to take a break from taking in all this COMPLETELY TRUE wonderment of Gettysburg and do some shopping. I went into their only major department store, 7-11, and after about 2 seconds decided to go punch and taunt a brick wall.

When I heard the wall hissing loudly in 21/8 time, I knew it was time to go back to Philadelphia. I was sad to leave, but I will definitely be back next year. A psychic told me so.