My Body is a Busted Wonderland Electric!

So on Friday I went for my annual check-up with the hoo ha doctor (known as Doctor Who Ha in the UK) and I am happy to report that technically I am still a woman. The exam was just bidniz as usual until, while the Doc was elbow-deep in my lady bits, I noticed her screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and vomiting into a hazardous waste receptacle.

This has happened before, so I didn't pay much attention, but the doctor seemed concerned by the way she was shaking violently and turning green. She said to me, "Excuse me for a moment, Freak of Nature, I need to go get the ultrasound machine."

The ultrasound machine is ultracool. It takes pictures of your insides and shows you how horrifyingly strange our bodies are. I always enjoy this part of doctor and airport visits.

Before the hoo ha doctor performed the ultrasound, she showed me a picture of a "normal" female reproductive system on her overhead projector:








And then this is the picture of my girl junk that spat out of the machine:




No reproductive activity will be taking place in here, methinks. 

After the Doc uploaded the picture to Facebook and tagged me, she said that she was most fascinated by my rusted ovaries, which was caused by my purchase of Marillion's Script for a Jester's Tear the EXACT moment I began puberty. My poor ovaries have been sobbing ever since I first heard the title track.

Awesome album, but not recommended for girls between 
the ages of 10 - 17 

I was also surprised to learn that this condition occurs in only 1 in 6,918,654,257 persons. I am special!! After close examination and consulting her copy of How to Erase Your Memory, 4th edition, the doctor reassured me I was fine and recommended I douche with Canada Dry Tonic Water at least once a week.


After my visit with the hoo ha doctor I was curious to see what other parts of my body looked like, so I went on eBay and bid and won an ultrasound machine of my very own! Unfortunately I was outbid on the Instagram model, but did eventually score a Pee-Wee's Playhouse Magic Screen Ultrasound Home Kit!!




Chairry x-ray machine sold separately.

Once I said the word of the day to turn it on, I applied the special Ghostbusters Slimer Ectocooler lubricating gel and started snapping shots of my naked innards. Here are 2 that came out -- 1 of my digestive system, and 1 of my only brain. I really wanted to get a shot of my cyborg control panel but I couldn't get the damn lighting right.

So here is a very talented artist's rendition of the human digestive system:









...And I say "very talented" because my own gizzards look EXACTLY THE SAME except for 1 minor detail that doesn't surprise me in the least:







According to WebMD, Nick Swisher has been known
to cause explosive diarrhea in some people

The ultrasound of my brain is quite curious, mostly because my single brain is located behind my LEFT KNEE and NOT MY HEAD! THIS IS TRUE! I guess it slipped down there after all these years of head bopping to long progressive rock instrumentals.


Regular brain ultrasound, found inside a human skull:







And here is the ultrasound of my brain which I painstakingly photoshopped on top of an ultrasound of my head cavity. Sorry about the red-eye -- I can never take a picture without looking like some demon witch and the red-eye reduction feature on my Magic Screen was busted like Pee-Wee in a porn theater.







Isn't biology neat?! I hope you found this educational and not in the least bit like 5 minutes of your life you'll never get back... Next week I'll be back to let you know how my appointment with the dermatologist goes -- should be exciting as I'm due for a good molt.