This past weekend I decided to escape the stressful craziness of my dull life by taunting and shaking my fist at the flowering trees and plants in Rittenhouse Square for heaving their asshole gametes all over my lungs. They did not relent, but I think I made a patch of grass near some shoeless hippies sipping $8 lattes weep a little bit.
When I returned from my 3-day excursion of trying to stop nature from all this inappropriate spooging, I realized I may have missed some important world news and current events, so naturally I turned to Twitterbook Facetwit to get caught up.
So here is a quick run-down of what I missed in case you were also busying giving sauce to your backyard. As of Monday morning, this was all I saw posted on Twitterbook Facetwit so I couldn't have missed that much!
A human nutcracker doll asks his new bride pull his giant lever so they can feed their wedding guests freshly cracked walnuts at the reception. The little flower girl does not like the ensuing cracking sounds, but that is understandable as she appears to be too young to handle such intense nut busting.
This poor cat was forced to wear the UGLIEST collar I've ever seen. But I've seen worse-looking scratching posts.
Wait, what?! Our President is allowed to kill people? FUCK, I hope he doesn't find out I switched out his birth certificate with a Kate Middleton Engagement Ring Certificate of Authenticity. =/
It's about time Our sexy Lady Liberty got a makeover! She's never looked better. And the bloody head of bin Laden hides some of the weight she's put on in her hips.
So there you go. Just another average weekend it seems....
In all seriousness folks, some people on this crazy beautiful planet did not have an average weekend...so let's continue working together to get them back there:
I just couldn't fucking stay away. I have missed smearing my verbal excrement all over your eyeballs and infecting your brain-----tying your neurons in knots and turning your synapses into syrup. Not sure if those things are actually in your brain but I've got the hots for alliteration.
So here I am once more in my playground of vile and bile. (I have a crush on rhymes too). If you haven't been here in a long time or at all, know that if you continue reading you might blush or cry or vomit, and it is highly likely you will do all 3 while shitting out a lumpy sac of neurons and synapses. The musings of a Christian and a Republican writer is not something you fuck around with lightly. (Please note I am NOT a Christian Republican or a Republican Christian -- both types of people are just highly exasperating, confused souls that only perpetuate personal agendas rooted in falsehoods. And they give me gas.)
Anyway, I went away for awhile to take care of some personal bidniz and gain some weight and lose it again and then gain it back and make a lot of granola and get a haircut. And then there was that whole scandal with Bigfoot in the Peruvian press while I was on a ski trip in Mexico...so to make a long story short I got a little distracted. But I'm back now and will make a concerted effort to keep this blog up, despite your protests.
So Welcome Back, Me and You! I hope you've got a bib and some clean underwear lined up.
Hello my gorgeous, sexy, brilliant, and GENEROUS friends! How are you? Are you feeling pretty good right now because you do not have Multiple Sclerosis (MS)? If so, I hope you will continue reading on behalf of the 400,000+ people in the US who would have answered "no."
MS is a raging whorebag that needs to be stopped. It is often times a debilitating disease that comes out of fucking nowhere to kick the shit out of your central nervous system. And once the fucker shows up, it never goes away. It's not genetic, it's not caused by having a great lifestyle (ie, drinking or smoking or McDonald's eating your brains out), and it's not caused by any co-morbidities (eg, other shite diseases). The humper just shows up--totally uninvited--and basically vomits all over your brain and spinal cord so your limbs go numb or you lose your vision or you're paralyzed. Oh and did I mention there is no cure? DAMN YOU MS!!!
I fucking hate MS so much I am going to wear a spandex diaper and bicycle 150 miles over 2 days to help run over this hot pile of shit of a disease. I will be attempting this for the 3rd year in a row September 25 & 26 in the National MS Society's "City to Shore" ride.
But I need your help in bitch-slapping MS in one of 2 ways:
2. Sponsor my ridiculously long yet extremely rewarding ride in September through a donation to the National MS Society so they can continue their research and advocacy efforts.
As an added incentive to helping out really sick people, I am offering the following prizes for different levels of donation:
Up to $20: personalized e-mail sent directly to you expressing my gratitude for your awesomeness
$25 - $45: personalized e-mail PLUS a dedicated Facebook status update that expresses my gratitude for your awesomeness and is guaranteed to increase your sexual appeal and popularity*
$50: personalized e-mail PLUS Facebook status update PLUS a personalized blog about your awesomeness**
over $75: personalized e-mail PLUS Facebook status update PLUS a personalized blog about your awesomeness PLUS a mix CD
If you can help out in any way, it is really, Really, REALLY appreciated. Click Here to link to my donation page.
so thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU for your time and support!!!!
xo
*Facebook status update can be substituted for an e-mail blast if you are not on Facebook. MySpace not accepted.
**Note the blog will follow the already established "all a little bit true sometimes but not really" format.
FDA Panel Votes Down Libido-Boosting Drug for Women
GAITHERSBURG, Md. -- An FDA advisory committee has voted unanimously that the makers of the investigational drug flibanserin (Girosa) -- often dubbed the female Viagra -- failed to prove that the pill treats hypoactive sexual-desire disorder in women any better than placebo.
HA. HA. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck yeah I could have told you that. OH I DID! I DID!! Well sort of...my comments were more about the screener developed to detect if you have "not-tonight-honey-headaches" in a desparate market conditioning move, and not about the drug itelf...but regardless, I also VOTE DOWN a drug that is being pushed on a marketplace already owned by the Twilight franchise.
So NEARfest is in 3 weeks and I'm so ready to rock out all weekend with my sexy friends, some dirty prog, and a whole lotta black t-shirts drinking beer. Heaven. But as much as I am excited to be nodding my head methodically in 9/8 for 2 days, I'm kinda sad there are no more festivals for me to look forward to this year that I can afford to go to. So I'm thinking about hosting one myself: STABFEST 2010 (not to be confused with STABFEST 2006).
STABFEST will be a rock festival like none other, in that it will most likely only happen in my mind. But regardless, I would only have the BEST bands play and the BEST audience to love them. And they would be the BEST because they would follow the Sacred Rules of Concerts That I Am Making Up Right Now.
Shall we?
For bands...
Rule #1: If you MUST play intro music, it should not exceed the length of a song you could have played in your set.
Rule #2: The only time playing an electric rockin' song acoustically or a-cappella is acceptable is if your electric instruments have been eaten by a dragon.
Rule #3: If you MUST extend a song with an instrumental "jam" that is >60% drum machine, it should not exceed the length of another song you could have played in your set.
Rule #4: Medleys are soft. Just don't even think about it.
Rule #5: If you MUST talk or tell stories between songs, your ramblings should not exceed the length of another song you could have played in your set.
Rule #6: Playing an exclusively acoustic set without warning will not be tolerated as it can only result in taunting and sadness.
Rule #7: Just because you do not have an interesting part and/or much to play during a particular song does not give you license to start an audience handclap during every chorus. In general, it is recommended that handclaps and turning the mic over to the audience should be kept to a minimum.
Rule #8: Talking to an audience member during your set is absolutely FORBIDDEN. You will be shot.
Rule #9:
Now if you want to attend STABFEST, you will have to abide by a few rules as well...
Rule #1: Unprompted and excessive bragging about how you saw the band back in '73 is unacceptable. Mentioning how you're really not into their new stuff but came anyway (mainly to brag about your supposed pre-sellout fan-ness) will result in a nutpunch.
Rule #2: Be prepared to embrace the hellfire if there is any shouting out of ANY song title--whether it is one by the band onstage or not. (Please note: you WILL be shot if you shout "Freebird." In the face.)
Rule #3: Do not, under any circumstances, bring a disinterested partner, spouse, or friend to the show as it does in fact suck ALL of the energy out of the room, and PAs have been known to weep.
Rule #4: Talking during the songs as if you were in chain sports bar watching the Yankees, drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade, and listening to Journey on the jukebox will not be tolerated under any circumstances. High-fives will result in a boot-kick to the kidneys.
Rule #5: For goodness sake if you try to engage the band in conversation while they are onstage you should kick your own ass out. Seriously.
Rule #6: Dancing during a rock song makes you look like a chode. You will be taunted, then taunted a second time.
Rule #7: You're not sitting in the first 3 rows? Put the fucking camera down.
Right. So there you go...sounds like a great time, right? Bands interested in playing and those of you interested in attending STABFEST are the best in the world. And you should drop me a line. In the meantime, I have to find a venue that meets my 428-point criteria. At least I know it will take place in Hawaii for a week.
DON'T eat foods that put a scary Sasquatch Grendel--that although is well-groomed--who wants to chew your face off on the packaging. If you do, you will shit a rusty 1979 Ford F-150 and be forced to live in Canada.
DO eat foods that put googly goo-goo eyes on the packaging! If you do, you will find more joy in life and friends will use words like "zany" and "krazy" to describe you. You will also be able to defeat a Sasquatch Grendel with your dulcet tones of magical laughter.
This past weekend I visited a giant cemetery in Pennsylvania to let 10 gorgeous rock bands melt my brain. In between I drank buckets of beer, sipped barrels of coffee, and totally got down with my nerd-self collecting a giant pile of prog CDs. Happy times!
And I did it all at RoSfest, an annual progrock festival currently in it's 7th year (my 4th). I look forward to going every year now...there aren't too many times when I can have epic dissertations on what went wrong with GTR and incite "In the Court of the Crimson King" versus "Discipline" arguments.
Here is a rundown of the bands from this year you need to check out IMMEDIATELY! I mean, IMMEDIATELY after you read this and forward it to all your Facebook friends who play Farmville. (That'll teach 'em).
Friday Night/Fresh Liver Night
MYSTERY
Montreal-based prog band that sounds like Iron Maiden swallowed Journey. Throw on stone-washed jeans and play 'em LOUD! Their set was a bombastic good time. Benoit has one of the most amazingly awesome voices in rock.
PENDRAGON
Oh Pendragon, the patriarchs of neoprog. Saw them at my first RoSfest in 2007 and think they sounded even better this time around, mostly because I think they are touring with a better album. Also, they have a drummer who, I'm pretty sure, would bleed Red Bull and sunshine if you cut him open.
Saturday/Where's the Closest Bar? Day
AJALON
Wasn't really familiar with this group before the show but they had a great set with a good groove. Well enough groove for a prog band. Since they played at 11:00am and I had only gotten about 10 seconds sleep the night before I don't really remember more than that the show wasn't awful. I suck. But these guys don't.
MANNING
This band was a fun surprise! Great sound. Did some Celtic prog and some nautical prog. Good times.
GAZPACHO
OK, going to spend some time here...so I discovered this band back in 2006 and have been pleading to the powers of RoSfest ever since to get them to play. Well finally this year my dream came true. In fact, the powers of RoSfest, George and Buster, came all the way to my house after midnight during my birthday party last year to tell me in person the day before it was officially announced. I thought I was dreaming. Partly because I didn't dare to believe it could be possible, but mostly because I was completely full of gin and tonic by the time they arrived. George and others in the RoSfest camp casually said I'd be announcing the band and I thought that would be cool, even though the thought of speaking in front of all those people made me want to wet my pantaloons. When the moment arrived though, George made the RIGHT decision to ask a HOT BLONDE at RoSfest to announce the band, and not the NERD BLONDE.
So hot blonde and then Gazpacho take the stage. Doesn't get any better than that, my friends. It was a beautiful set -- I can't put into words the PURE JOY I felt singing along to 2 hours of live Gazpacho. I am so blessed to have experienced that....thank you RoSfest!
RENAISSANCE
Watching Renaissance was like watching the movie Avatar -- I did it because I felt like I "had to." Not a big fan of this band, but Annie Haslam is like the matriarch of prog and this band is so revered in the prog world I couldn't turn away. It wasn't a BAD show but probably the set I enjoyed the least overall. It did warm my nerdy heart to see the sheer reverence exuded in the eyes of every man over the age of 50 there when Haslam took the stage...seriously, this woman has the voice of a Siren...
Sunday/Time to Rally/I Swear I'm Never Drinking Again Day
DeeExpus A lot of buzz around this band before the 'fest and they did not disappoint. The singer had a sore throat/tonsillitis which was a real shame, but really didn't affect the performance. Seriously think this band is the best kept secret in prog and really rock in general. They are gonna BLOW UP, people! If you like Porcupine Tree, you will like this band. And if you don't like Porcupine Tree, you will also like this band because everything you hate about PT (ahem, Dave and others...!) they are definitely NOT. So everybody wins. Hooray!
Oblivion Sun Been interested in seeing these guys live for awhile now...hear about them a lot since they are from the area but never actually made it to a show. Totally worth the wait --- RoSfest needs more primarily instrumental/instrumental-only bands like this! These guys are just unbelievable musicians.
Von Hertzen Brothers
Tall. Finnish. Stylish. Oh and they blew the fucking roof off the Majestic Theater. Holy shit, I haven't seen my ears since. I've said this before, and I'll say this again -- it's like Moon Safari and Black Bonzo in King's of Leon's body. Incredible.
Magic Pie
This band OWNS RoSfest. They pretty much have every fanboy and fangirl wrapped around their finger. And they should because they are unbelievably good. Think about every sound you've ever heard in the world that made you happy, throw it into a pot, and slowly melt it over an open flame on a crisp fall evening. THAT is Magic Pie. Delicious.
I'm pretty sure they were about to play this song (one of my FAAAAVES) when they were told to get off the stage by the union workers who clearly listen to only country music and rap.
For a behind the scenes look, here are some pictures.
More pictures can be found on Facebook if you are unfortunate enough to catch the tagged ones of me before I untag them.
So there you have it. The bestest weekend this nerd could ever ask for. Hope you'll join me next year. xo
