STABFEST will be a rock festival like none other, in that it will most likely only happen in my mind. But regardless, I would only have the BEST bands play and the BEST audience to love them. And they would be the BEST because they would follow the Sacred Rules of Concerts That I Am Making Up Right Now.
Shall we?
For bands...
Rule #1: If you MUST play intro music, it should not exceed the length of a song you could have played in your set.
Rule #2: The only time playing an electric rockin' song acoustically or a-cappella is acceptable is if your electric instruments have been eaten by a dragon.
Rule #3: If you MUST extend a song with an instrumental "jam" that is >60% drum machine, it should not exceed the length of another song you could have played in your set.
Rule #4: Medleys are soft. Just don't even think about it.
Rule #5: If you MUST talk or tell stories between songs, your ramblings should not exceed the length of another song you could have played in your set.
Rule #6: Playing an exclusively acoustic set without warning will not be tolerated as it can only result in taunting and sadness.
Rule #7: Just because you do not have an interesting part and/or much to play during a particular song does not give you license to start an audience handclap during every chorus. In general, it is recommended that handclaps and turning the mic over to the audience should be kept to a minimum.
Rule #8: Talking to an audience member during your set is absolutely FORBIDDEN. You will be shot.
Rule #9:
Now if you want to attend STABFEST, you will have to abide by a few rules as well...
Rule #1: Unprompted and excessive bragging about how you saw the band back in '73 is unacceptable. Mentioning how you're really not into their new stuff but came anyway (mainly to brag about your supposed pre-sellout fan-ness) will result in a nutpunch.
Rule #2: Be prepared to embrace the hellfire if there is any shouting out of ANY song title--whether it is one by the band onstage or not. (Please note: you WILL be shot if you shout "Freebird." In the face.)
Rule #3: Do not, under any circumstances, bring a disinterested partner, spouse, or friend to the show as it does in fact suck ALL of the energy out of the room, and PAs have been known to weep.
Rule #4: Talking during the songs as if you were in chain sports bar watching the Yankees, drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade, and listening to Journey on the jukebox will not be tolerated under any circumstances. High-fives will result in a boot-kick to the kidneys.
Rule #5: For goodness sake if you try to engage the band in conversation while they are onstage you should kick your own ass out. Seriously.
Rule #6: Dancing during a rock song makes you look like a chode. You will be taunted, then taunted a second time.
Rule #7: You're not sitting in the first 3 rows? Put the fucking camera down.
Right. So there you go...sounds like a great time, right? Bands interested in playing and those of you interested in attending STABFEST are the best in the world. And you should drop me a line. In the meantime, I have to find a venue that meets my 428-point criteria. At least I know it will take place in Hawaii for a week.
Rock on, baby. xo
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