OH HOW CUTE!!!

There are a lot of babies lying around. Tiny, chubby, fucking babies. I know this because every time I check my e-mail or stalk you on Facebook I see inordinate albums of these portable humans that will one day grow up to blame us for all the problems in the world they are too lazy to change themselves.

I really do enjoy seeing the stop-action slideshow of your baby because he/she is the cutest baby in the world. And the other day while looking at a friend’s recently posted “Baby Update!” album I realized something moderately profound---the only time you are UNCONDITIONALLY cute or adorable or can legally be called a “cutie pie” is when you are a baby.

I am so fucking jealous of babies.

I would give anything to go back to a time where a shot of me spitting up some formula would illicit a couple of “aaawwww!!!” and “too adorable!!!” exclamations of delight. Nowadays, someone takes a picture of me drooling out my 8^th bourbon and “cute” suddenly becomes “horrifying.” A damn shame, really. That’s the only cute thing about me.

Anyway, I can understand why parents are genetically predisposed to follow their child’s every move with a camera for the first few years of his life: a child’s simplistic wonder at life unfolding around him gives us hope for humanity and assurance that there is still some good left in this world. And so why wouldn’t you want to capture every moment of that marvel, that newness, that blessed purity?

Mommas you need to snap, Snap, SNAP away those moments into your sacred memories cards.

Because one day your baby will graduate high school and go to college where you will only see inordinate pictures of them doing keg-stands and in the same poses with their peeps but in different outfits and in different bars. Then when they hit their 30s they usually either don’t want their pictures taken or have no reason to anymore. The only thing in the iPhoto Library is a folder of sunrise and sunset shots from a recent trip to the Outer Banks.

To illustrate my point that babies and children hold all of the cuteness power in the world, and therefore leaving none for the rest of us, please see below.

Look at the cute baby reading his first book all by himself like a big boy!

Look she's reading her first historical fiction novel!

Awwwww he's pwaying with bwlocks!

Look she's playing Tap Tap Dance!

They play so cute together!

She works so hard from home!

Oh she's talking to daddy on the phone! How cute!!

Oh SHUT UP! Paula Abdul quit American Idol?! That's crAY-ZEE!

You see, there's no going back so enjoy the cuteness while it lasts...and please let me enjoy it too. :)

Hey it's Atlantic City! Don't forget your towel!

Recently, I traveled to Atlantic City, NJ and if someone could tell me why I'd really appreciate it. For those who are not familiar with this magical land of broken dreams and fragrant piss stains, Atlantic City is a casino town on the New Jersey shoreline. It's Las Vegas's ugly step-child with stretch marks and both kinds of crabs.

It was a beautiful day to wonder if you could get hepatitis from breathing. We had a great spot near the water and the really cool beach bar that totally rocked a mid-90's frat-boy party playlist for all to enjoy. We immediately dove into the ocean, or rather, the shallow, hot, chum-filled salt slop found in most fishing boats. Afterward we soaked up the sun rays, hoping to burn off the bubonic plague festering in our bathing suits.

But the fun didn't end there. After changing out of our beach gear and burning it in the hollowed out belly of a crack whore mermaid that washed up onshore (I *told* you this was a magical land) we decided it would be a good time to eat. Dinner was relaxing and our waiter was absolutely charming in a real asshole kind of way. For example, when we were done eating he asked if he could take our plates and I said, "you are welcome to them!" And then he said, "no thanks you probably have herpes." Wow, he totally knew I was on the beach earlier!

Now it was time to give the casino our money. 48 seconds later it was time to go home.

Driving home I was sad to leave this special town. So many memories...but I have a feeling I will be back someday soon: it's really my kind of place.

Hope everyone is livin' it up and gettin' down this summer! xo

Bless. This.

So on Saturday, I crawl into bed with Nicole and as we drift off to sleep in South Amboy's finest bed, we managed to fit in one last conversation before we succumbed to slumber (which was promptly interrupted by Leslie gnawing at our arms, which we all know is completely unavoidable.)

The discussion was about saying "bless you," or if you are a German or an asshole (not that they are related) "Gesundheit" and how RIDICULOUS it is to say that to ANYONE. If evil spirits are shooting out of my nose, you will fucking KNOW IT. I need your blessings when I have to give someone directions or need to operate a lawnmower, not when I'm in the middle of a snot-blasting sneeze fest. But if you feel compelled to say "bless you" then I won't hold it against you. Let's be honest here: I need all the blessings I can get. I especially appreciate the times someone says "bless you" and then the people around him/her chime in as well, all filled with shame they weren't the first to say it. This is particularly heart-warming at business meetings and lame get-togethers; basically those situations where everyone is uncomfortably staring at each other because everyone hates each other (in a very polite way, of course). And the ultimate "bless you" comes from the guy down the hall who can't see you but knows wherever you are, you need a blessin'. We also declared our disgust in having to say "bless you" to people, and confessed that we only say it because it is EXPECTED of us. I know, I know, I know. We are just as evil as the boogie demon that fired out of your nose and more insensitive than making your best friend watch "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen."

But C'MON, is it really a blessing? How is it that this superstition is still clinging to us? Or is it now more like an unconscious reflex? Who knows; we just think it's a little bit better than saying, "Eeww, use a tissue you sick fuck."

I think eventually people will stop saying "bless you" -- mostly because of this blog -- but also because we will stop caring about each other and wanting to ward of evil demons from each others sinus passages. And that's nothing to sneeze about. (OK, that "joke"? Definitely warrants your blessing on my soul).

Parle vous an idiot?

Listen up and read this: There are a lot of people prancing around the Earth right now who are not smart but THINK they are. These delusional, yet sweetly ironic, snoot-snooties spend a lot of time ordering 6-worded beverages from Starbucks, listening to NPR, and shopping in the non-fluorescent lit section of Wegmans. They are the ones at work who take cell phone calls in the middle of a meeting, and put some inspirational quote as part of their e-mail signature. On many occasions it will take them 6 paragraphs to say "I don't know" in said e-mail. But above all else, they love to look smart and make sure you see it.

I am not smart, but I am honest about it. Activities like "cooking" and "learning to drive a 5-speed" and "adding a ringtone to my cell phone" have confirmed this for me. But the bright-side to being a dimwit has opened my eyes to many of the things these people --we'll call them "quick-wits" because they'd want us to-- perpetuate in our society to make us feel, well, stoopid. Here are 5 of them:

1. SUDOKU
Sudoku is a so-called game or puzzle that is in reality, a complete farce. It is a giant grid half-populated with numbers and the object of the game is to fill-in the blank squares with different numbers. Quick-wits like to buy giant books filled with these puzzles and pretend that there is logical sequence you must think long and hard about while they sit next to you on the train. But in reality, they are just filling in any ol' number that pops into their head as you hang your head in shame while shuffling through your 80s metal band playlist on your iPod.

2. METRIC SYSTEM
People who use the metric system love to tell you that "it just makes more sense!" In fact, quick-wits feel so superior about understanding the metric system, it deludes them into thinking that knowing it is equivalent to being fluent in another language. In reality, the metric system is also a farce. It was made up by a vagrant Canadian back in 16th century France who told his fat girlfriend she probably only weighed 130 kilograms to make her feel better.

3. SPEAKING FRENCH
They are not saying anything real. Only laughing at your stupid ass inside their heads.

4. THE MATRIX
This movie was smart for perhaps the first 24 hours it was released unto the world, but on April 1, 1999 and every day after that, its timeliness and smartness dramatically decreased. However, the quick-wits still cling very tightly to this movie that was cool and compelling for even a shorter amount of time than Vanilla Ice. I haven't confirmed this yet, but it may have something to do with the cast wearing a lot of black and having to speak very confusing dialogue. The movie is in fact, one big inside-joke between Andy Wachowski and Keanu Reeves's leather trenchcoat.

5. LOST
I have to admit, I have faithfully watched this show from day 1, season 1 to the season finale of season 5 last Wednesday. And I also have to admit the entire 5 years of viewing has made me feel like a straight up tard on the boulevard. After each episode, I feel like a lobotomized baboon. And then I get angry and throw feces, because I can't come up with even a slightly intelligible theory about the storyline like those quick-wit fans do. What is TRULY SMART is the ability of the writers of LOST to write the episodes so trippin' crazy-ass that the quick-wits spend hours and hours confusing each other with smart-sounding nonsensical theories on all kinds of blogs and forums----so when a quick-wit asks me (the dim-wit) what my theory is, I can just refer them a link to some un-ending LOST blog about mythical creatures and time travel and say, "this."

Well that's it for now. Don't you feel smarter? Or perhaps want to kick my dumb ass?

I need HELP

Can someone please tell me how you pronounce "HELP!!!" in case I need emergency assistance on the way to the PATCO train at 8th & Market? I can't remember if the third exclamation point means you shout versus yell or if it simply denotes 'wave your arms around in a panic.' Thank you.

Let's not get it on...

Boehringer Ingelheim, the pharmaceutical company I am genetically predisposed to mispronounce, recently made the following announcement based on the results of one of their trials in Europe:

"Results from a study published today in the Journal of Sexual Medicine show that a new, easy to use five-question diagnostic tool can significantly reduce the time it takes to diagnose the most common form of female sexual dysfunction (FSD), generalised, acquired Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). Unlike standard diagnostic procedures, which are often time-consuming and require an extensive diagnostic interview by a specially trained clinician, the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener (DSDS) enables clinicians who are not necessarily experts in female sexual dysfunction to diagnose the condition with high accuracy in a few minutes.

Nearly one in 10 women are known to experience low desire marked by distress or interpersonal difficulty - a condition that is medically referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)."

Bowlringer Engelbert said this DSDS screener had an accuracy of 85.5%. Not bad. But I believe I have a screener that is 110% accurate:

1. Does looking at your partner give you the dry heaves rather than butterflies?
2. Has your partner spent the last 14 hours playing Street Fighter IV?
3. Are you sexually attracted to the opposite sex of your current partner?
4. Do you fantasize about what songs you would like played at your funeral while having sex?
5. Is your partner an asshole?

If you answered YES to any or all of these questions you probably have HSDD. If you do have HSDD, do not despair -- dumping your partner, throwing back some whiskey, and downloading a shitload of porn should clear everything up in a day or 2.

The top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time

Need a last-minute gift idea that is completely banal, spineless, and thankless like saying "Season's Greetings" or watching MTV? Well look no further -- I am here to help with the top 5 most thoughtless Christmas gifts of all time that I thought of right now.

Now before I begin the listing of the list, all items get bonus points if

1. There are more than 2 "clearance/red tag" stickers on it.
2. You discover it on an end cap thrown together with other clearance items.
3. You buy the gift between 7:00pm on Christmas Eve and noon Christmas Day.
4. It is dusty.

So here are your Christmas gift suggestions that can show really just how much this holiday season has sucked out your soul. For you local readers, now is a good time to turn on B101 radio.

5. Cookie mix bag
These so-called treats were a very popular thoughtless gift in the 90's around the same time people started baking for their dogs. Coincidence? I have no idea. Anyway, these thoughtless bags of crap are still around today and can be seen on many middle-manager desks the week of Christmas all around the country.

BONUS:

• It has a miniature wooden spoon tied to the bag with twine
• It has a cookie-cutter in the shape of a snowman tied to the bag with twine

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your neighbor who never invites you to his house parties
• Your cousin's golden retriever
  
  

4. Bath sets
Collections of lotions, soaps, body wash, and never-will-be-used bubble bath are a perennial thoughtless Christmas gift that even works for birthdays, anniversaries, and for any re-gifting purposes. Sets that come in a "caddy" of sorts -- a basket, canvas bag, or metal tray will be highly praised by the receiver for such a "bonus"; however, in reality it will only clutter her linen closet.

BONUS:

• The scent literally renders you unconscious
  
• It's Jean Nate

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• The office cougar
• Your brother's whore

3. Random selections from the $10 gift rack
These precious trinkets can be found at any of the traditional Christmas thoughtlessness meccas: Target, WalMart, Boscovs, and JC Penney's. They usually appear the day after Halloween at the front of the store next to the Christmas lights and the Whitman's Chocolates* displays. Some of these specially priced money suckers include the battery-operated tie-rack, the reading light with pin-hole precision, and the magnetic chess game the size of a coaster.

BONUS:

• It breaks into more than 2 pieces when taken out of the box
• It comes with batteries that were clearly manufactured in the 80s

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Your dad
• People who grace their lawns with inflatable Christmas characters surrounding a plastic nativity scene

*2. Whitman's or Russell Stover's chocolates
No doubt about it, these guys make shitty chocolate. This is usually purchased when items number 3, 4, and 5 are sold out or you make your purchase on the way to the recipient's house.

BONUS:

• You actually have the audacity to wrap it in Christmas wrapping paper

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• Disowned family members
• Your local hobo

1. Mug filled with hard candy
This is so thoughtless it borders on insulting.

BONUS:

• The handle is chipped
• The mug has "HO HO HO" printed on it
• You buy the mug and candy separately thinking this trite personalization will actually make it thoughtFUL

APPROPRIATE FOR:

• People over the age of 85
• Spinster teachers

So make your list and check it twice....if you think of it.

Merry Christmas! xo