Parle vous an idiot?

Listen up and read this: There are a lot of people prancing around the Earth right now who are not smart but THINK they are. These delusional, yet sweetly ironic, snoot-snooties spend a lot of time ordering 6-worded beverages from Starbucks, listening to NPR, and shopping in the non-fluorescent lit section of Wegmans. They are the ones at work who take cell phone calls in the middle of a meeting, and put some inspirational quote as part of their e-mail signature. On many occasions it will take them 6 paragraphs to say "I don't know" in said e-mail. But above all else, they love to look smart and make sure you see it.

I am not smart, but I am honest about it. Activities like "cooking" and "learning to drive a 5-speed" and "adding a ringtone to my cell phone" have confirmed this for me. But the bright-side to being a dimwit has opened my eyes to many of the things these people --we'll call them "quick-wits" because they'd want us to-- perpetuate in our society to make us feel, well, stoopid. Here are 5 of them:

1. SUDOKU
Sudoku is a so-called game or puzzle that is in reality, a complete farce. It is a giant grid half-populated with numbers and the object of the game is to fill-in the blank squares with different numbers. Quick-wits like to buy giant books filled with these puzzles and pretend that there is logical sequence you must think long and hard about while they sit next to you on the train. But in reality, they are just filling in any ol' number that pops into their head as you hang your head in shame while shuffling through your 80s metal band playlist on your iPod.

2. METRIC SYSTEM
People who use the metric system love to tell you that "it just makes more sense!" In fact, quick-wits feel so superior about understanding the metric system, it deludes them into thinking that knowing it is equivalent to being fluent in another language. In reality, the metric system is also a farce. It was made up by a vagrant Canadian back in 16th century France who told his fat girlfriend she probably only weighed 130 kilograms to make her feel better.

3. SPEAKING FRENCH
They are not saying anything real. Only laughing at your stupid ass inside their heads.

4. THE MATRIX
This movie was smart for perhaps the first 24 hours it was released unto the world, but on April 1, 1999 and every day after that, its timeliness and smartness dramatically decreased. However, the quick-wits still cling very tightly to this movie that was cool and compelling for even a shorter amount of time than Vanilla Ice. I haven't confirmed this yet, but it may have something to do with the cast wearing a lot of black and having to speak very confusing dialogue. The movie is in fact, one big inside-joke between Andy Wachowski and Keanu Reeves's leather trenchcoat.

5. LOST
I have to admit, I have faithfully watched this show from day 1, season 1 to the season finale of season 5 last Wednesday. And I also have to admit the entire 5 years of viewing has made me feel like a straight up tard on the boulevard. After each episode, I feel like a lobotomized baboon. And then I get angry and throw feces, because I can't come up with even a slightly intelligible theory about the storyline like those quick-wit fans do. What is TRULY SMART is the ability of the writers of LOST to write the episodes so trippin' crazy-ass that the quick-wits spend hours and hours confusing each other with smart-sounding nonsensical theories on all kinds of blogs and forums----so when a quick-wit asks me (the dim-wit) what my theory is, I can just refer them a link to some un-ending LOST blog about mythical creatures and time travel and say, "this."

Well that's it for now. Don't you feel smarter? Or perhaps want to kick my dumb ass?