Honey, it’s that wonderful time of year again. I’m not talking about our country’s obsession with putting pumpkins on our front steps or paying $45 to put a live fir tree in our living room for 2 weeks – I’m talking about the power and the glory of BEARD SEASON.
Beard Season is my favorite time of year to be heterosexual. Starting sometime in late October/early November when the weather gets colder and the nights get longer, many male humans will fall into this brooding, sexy melancholy funk that inhibits their ability to shave their faces. It is the ying to the yang of Shelf Bra Tank Top Season that starts at the first hint of warm weather and continues until late September (or continues all year round at any nightclub serving test-tube shots).
I really do love to look upon a bearded man throughout the year, but unfortunately it is a rare honor to see such hunks of pure man-awesomeness during the off-season. Why is this? Does it really keep you warmer during these asshole cold months? That would make sense and of course it looks better than the ridiculous giant loud scarf your girlfriend bought you at the Gap. I tried to grow a beard myself the other day to see what it’s all about but nothing happened. After doing some research it turns out that air drumming to Rush albums for the past 15 years has rendered me an endocrinologic mollycoddle.
Now before I go any further, let me clarify that Beard Season means JUST Beards. Unless you are Michael Jack Schmidt
or Magnum PI
don’t even THINK about it!
Shave/wax/laser/chemically burn that bitch off your upper lip IMMEDIATELY.
So far this has been a fantastic Beard Season, thanks to the hotness (well in beard-speak...) in the Phillies post-season bullpen to get it started off right
Although I have to admit this is a kick in the nuts insult to Beard Season
My admittedly creepy fascination of male facial hair that is thinly disguised as joyous celebration is something I am proud to admit on a blog no one reads. And now I also proudly present to you my top 5 favorite beards of all time on said blog; all beards are measured against these titans of the 5 o’clock shadow. It is my wish you will see these fantastic scruffy hot pockets and be inspired to be a part of the magic of Beard Season.
5. Chuck Norris
OK, he’s like 87 years old but my GOD his sweet lovin’ Republican beard that can waste a pack of terrorist gorilla bears makes me swoon!
4. Guy Pearce
You’re like WHO? Yes, Guy Pearce…a terrible actor I’ve had a mad crush on since I saw Time Machine at a $1.95 movie theater back in 2002. Despite having a pretty inconsistent film career (the same guy in Memento was in The Proposition? REALLY?) he has always shown consistent, solid beard performance. He is particularly compelling with the hint o’ beard look shown below.
3. Ray Weston
This man is in the greatest band called echolyn you should worship immediately and also happens to have the greatest voice in rock music today, most likely due to the power of his fucking sweet fuzzy chops.
2. Phil Collins
Phil Collins is so fucking awesome in so many ways and having the Greatest Beard of the 70’s is just one of them. G-damn I love Phil Collins. If I had 1.21 jiggawatts at my disposal, I would go back to 1977 and crawl inside his beard during his “Cinema Show” drum duet with Bill Bruford.
1. Zach Galifianakis
skjgsfjghfjghskdfhsdfhsjkghf;kghfsjkg. Best. Beard. EVER. Razor blades and Lady Stabson melt in its presence.
Although Beard Season is a beautiful thing that all should embrace, it should NOT be confused with the all too common "vacation" beard or the "I've given up, where are my sweatpants?" beard...these beards can result in some serious side-effects. Please see below.
HAHAHA!! Awesome.
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