This said book will be the greatest book ever written by myself and my heterosexual life-partner, Nicole, who like me also possesses unnaturally long life and the ability to communicate with 3-legged dogs and ferrets. (This is due to the devastating nuclear factory disaster in Collingswood during the summer of 1983. But that's a whole other chapter in the book although I will confirm now that yes, we were the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)
However, long after we defeated The Shredder in the 2nd grade, Nicole and I went on to enjoy an adventurous life that took us all over the world, to the moon, under several coffee tables, and a few times inside the belly of a magical sea otter that lives in Newton Lake. For example, during a brief period of time, we enjoyed a long and successful career in rock music. Not too many people knew this, since we were always too busy to tell anyone so now I'd like to share with you a little bit of our rock star history from the book. (The entire chapter will include some lyrics, a few stories from the road, and Nicole's diary entry from the day we played our famous benefit concert, "Free Mr. Belvedere."
So without further ado, here are 100 bands we remember playing in and some of the hit songs and albums we've squeezed out so far. We hope you'll stay tuned for the rest of the story...
2. Blackberry Enema
3. Bulldoody Rodeo
4. Burnt Cheese
5. Clucky Chicken's Nightmare
6. Dad’s Haircut
7. Diet Coke and Cornnuts
8. Dirtbag Handles
9. Emotional Bullsh*t
10. Epic Loneliness
11. Falcore’s Bane
12. Fuzzy Rub
13. G-Male (pronounced gee-maal)
14. John Oates Moustache (later reformed to Skunk Anus Moustache)
15. Ass Clown City
16. Jumping for Jumpers
17. Knee Slap
18. Love/Hate Carbs
19. Meryl Streep Can Do No Wrong
20. Moonfart
21. My Memory Card Is Full
22. Mystical Unicorn Poop (M.U.P.)
23. Naked Grapefruit
24. Pack of Assholes
25. Diamond Jelly featuring Lady Gag-gag
26. Period Headache
27. EMO MF’ers
28. Salad Nicoise-Hold the Pasta
29. Satan’s Goatee
30. Scrubbing Bubbles
31. Sit On It
32. Sooper King 7
33. The Bloody Knees
34. The Phallic Fruit Band
35. The Spice Rack
36. The Split-Splats’
37. Trifecta of Pain
38. Troy the General Manager
39. Relax Your Sphincter
40. Pop Yo Collar (formerly Hold the Douche)
41. Pissing Blood and Glass
42. Bud Light Cockblock
43. Ovarian Mayhem
44. I Hate Your Mother
45. Not Nickelback
46. Toonces Can't Drive 55
47. Blue Frizzy Hair
48. Thor's Thorax
49. Soup In A Bag
50. The Scantron Skidmarks
51. Combover Queens
52. Fanboy Sex Patrol
53. Tampon Renegade
54. You ROCK!
55. Asscheek Pincushion
56. Bed and Breakfast Ghetto
57. Cougar Safari
58. Real Mannequin, Fake People
59. Marbled Dimension (Stacy’s solo prog rock ferret concept band)
60. Fiber 2
61. Blubber Bones
62. Not So Speedline
63. Jalapeno Firehole
64. Screw You, Terminal B/C
65. Senor Chang's Marching Mariachi Tijuana Brass Band
66. My Acai Ass
67. Snotrag Bullfight
68. Starfucked Rash
69. Seersucking Sweatlips
70. Toilet Bowl Ring Melancholy (and the Infinite Poops)
71. Gansta Snaggletooth
72. Ground Round Sad Clown
73. Chum Puddle
74. AC Ass Slurry
75. Your Hometown Fucking Fuck Fuckers
76. The Sweater Vests
77. Misadventures of Turtlehead
78. Paring Knife Blues
79. Dusty Shitballs
80. Diaper Toy
81. Dr. Robert Helfond and the Earhole Fuckers
82. eb5 and the age spots
83. Johnny Walker Black Liver
84. Sad Beautician
85. The Chortling Snot Rockets
86. Sad Idea Generator
87. Socrates's Shoe Rack
88. Dead Duck Rice Water
89. Mom Jewelry
90. Crop Me Out
91. Not Everyone Likes Genesis
92. Reinforced Persuasion
93. Dirty License Plate
94. Thin Mint Munchies
95. Bucket of Snot
96. Piss Poor Performance
97. Uninvited Party Guest
98. "That Guy"
99. Gimp Finger
100. Toyota Tercel
TOP 10 SINGLES
"Chapped Lips and Ashy Elbows" (The Moisturizer Song)
Stacy harmonizing on "Get Your F****** Cat Away From Me (I'm Allergic)"
"Nickelback It To My Bat"
Nicole laying down the track, "Wind Beneath my Jeans" (Vince's Song)
"Are You On Your Period?"
Stacy tearing shit up on Mayor McCheese is a Liar
Nicole writing the soundtrack to Teen Wolf 3 (also written, directed, produced, and starring Nicole and Stacy)
18. Love/Hate Carbs
19. Meryl Streep Can Do No Wrong
20. Moonfart
21. My Memory Card Is Full
22. Mystical Unicorn Poop (M.U.P.)
23. Naked Grapefruit
24. Pack of Assholes
25. Diamond Jelly featuring Lady Gag-gag
26. Period Headache
27. EMO MF’ers
28. Salad Nicoise-Hold the Pasta
29. Satan’s Goatee
30. Scrubbing Bubbles
31. Sit On It
32. Sooper King 7
33. The Bloody Knees
34. The Phallic Fruit Band
35. The Spice Rack
36. The Split-Splats’
37. Trifecta of Pain
38. Troy the General Manager
39. Relax Your Sphincter
40. Pop Yo Collar (formerly Hold the Douche)
41. Pissing Blood and Glass
42. Bud Light Cockblock
43. Ovarian Mayhem
44. I Hate Your Mother
45. Not Nickelback
46. Toonces Can't Drive 55
47. Blue Frizzy Hair
48. Thor's Thorax
49. Soup In A Bag
50. The Scantron Skidmarks
51. Combover Queens
52. Fanboy Sex Patrol
53. Tampon Renegade
54. You ROCK!
55. Asscheek Pincushion
56. Bed and Breakfast Ghetto
57. Cougar Safari
58. Real Mannequin, Fake People
59. Marbled Dimension (Stacy’s solo prog rock ferret concept band)
60. Fiber 2
61. Blubber Bones
62. Not So Speedline
63. Jalapeno Firehole
64. Screw You, Terminal B/C
65. Senor Chang's Marching Mariachi Tijuana Brass Band
66. My Acai Ass
67. Snotrag Bullfight
68. Starfucked Rash
69. Seersucking Sweatlips
70. Toilet Bowl Ring Melancholy (and the Infinite Poops)
71. Gansta Snaggletooth
72. Ground Round Sad Clown
73. Chum Puddle
74. AC Ass Slurry
75. Your Hometown Fucking Fuck Fuckers
76. The Sweater Vests
77. Misadventures of Turtlehead
78. Paring Knife Blues
79. Dusty Shitballs
80. Diaper Toy
81. Dr. Robert Helfond and the Earhole Fuckers
82. eb5 and the age spots
83. Johnny Walker Black Liver
84. Sad Beautician
85. The Chortling Snot Rockets
86. Sad Idea Generator
87. Socrates's Shoe Rack
88. Dead Duck Rice Water
89. Mom Jewelry
90. Crop Me Out
91. Not Everyone Likes Genesis
92. Reinforced Persuasion
93. Dirty License Plate
94. Thin Mint Munchies
95. Bucket of Snot
96. Piss Poor Performance
97. Uninvited Party Guest
98. "That Guy"
99. Gimp Finger
100. Toyota Tercel
TOP 10 SINGLES
"Chapped Lips and Ashy Elbows" (The Moisturizer Song)
"Why are We Always going to you G***D** Parents?"
"Baby, Can You Drop Me Off At the Mall?" (I Know You Are on the Way to the Game)
Stacy harmonizing on "Get Your F****** Cat Away From Me (I'm Allergic)"
"Nickelback It To My Bat"
"Uggs Make You Look Like a Hobo"
"Don't Flush While I'm in the Shower, Damnit!"
"I Like You As A Friend (You Are Ugly)
"If You Don't Shut Up I'll Eat Your Baby"
Nicole laying down the track, "Wind Beneath my Jeans" (Vince's Song)
"Are You On Your Period?"
"Mayonaise"
"Oooh I Do Not Care For That"
"Relax Your Sphincter" (from the dance remix album, Relax Your Spincter) -- inspired an international dance craze!
GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING ALBUMS
Gum Butt
It Was The Dog
A Tribute to Billy Mays
Be Dazzler!
Stacy tearing shit up on Mayor McCheese is a Liar
Nicole writing the soundtrack to Teen Wolf 3 (also written, directed, produced, and starring Nicole and Stacy)
It's Not Harassment If Its Welcome
Buy it, Don't Buy it, We Don't Care
Revenge of the Colon
Bourbon Bedtime: A Childrens' Album
Horses Are Gorgeous, Aren't They
Where on earth did we find the time? But I confirm, as half of Stacy and Nicole, that we were in all 100 bands, well 99, as Stacy has a solo project in there, and one could argue that "Piss Poor Performance" was my spoken word tribute dedicated to HR professionals everywhere.
ReplyDelete-Nicole
Do you know where I can purchase your albums? I'm especially interested in "Relax your Sphincter", as I remember it from when I was a wee child.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your time.
Hi Krista! Always great to hear from our fans! Unfortunately, "Relax Your Sphincter" is currently out of print in the US. However, I recently heard from the folks on the "Relax Your Sphincter" Yahoo Group that there are several VHS bootleg copies of us performing our hit single from that album, "Relax Your Sphincter" on the Japanese children's television show, "Tiny Teacups" available on eBay.
ReplyDeleteI searched your list (sadly, in vain) for the early techno classic "Without Contraries" by No Progression. Does no one remember them?!?
ReplyDeleteI DO remember No Progression! Although we were never in the band, we did a 400 city college tour with them back in our Bud Light Cockblock days (sponsored by Bartles & James). They were such great guys---LOVED to party and their set always had great ENERGY. If I recall, "Without Progression" was the only single from their 3-disc techno concept album, "A Memorable Fancy...IN HELL"
ReplyDelete