Face me. Embrace me.

OK, I'm curious to see who's with me on this. Because if you aren't with me, you're probably with someone else. And that's OK, I just don't want to know about it.

So here it goes. Usually when I meet-up with or say bye to people I call "friends" or "loved ones" or "anyone who looks like Zach Galifianakis" we hug. Well sort of. Lately these people are giving me some weird half-ass or rather half-body hug I'm calling the "sideways hug." This is how it works: I face the person, straight-on, and outstretch both arms towards the person to signify "hey, I really like you and you smell nice. Please hold me." While at the same time my friend turns his/her body slightly to the side and outstretches one arm towards me and the other off to their side like some cheerleader, to signify "hey, I like you more than a handshake but not really much more than a hug." And when we come together it's this uncomfortable, awkward, perpendicular embrace that leaves me feeling depressed, even if the people I'm getting them from are not cheerleaders. I should have seen this coming when we went from the double-hand slap

to the fist bump.

At first I tried to train myself to go from my two-armed + one-chest hug to work with these one-armed + one-hip hugs but I couldn't do it! I am so uncoordinated. So for awhile I stopped making the effort to hug people as much as possible to avoid being sidewayed...but then I became paranoid that people would think I had syphilis or swamp pits. And that's worse than having them think I'm some slippery creep who wants to fully embrace them....right? I can't win. This sucks. I need a hug.

So is the sideways hug the way to go? The old-school squeeze is no more? Do you offer a reserved sideways hug or do you like to sweep your peeps up into your arms? Is there anything wrong with either hug-method? Do you think that I think you give a shit about this? I am curious to know.

Next blog: The "backwards kick in the nuts."